Family Ties BY DS - buddhaxds@hotmail.com Archive: yes Genre: Baby Angst (is that a genre yet?) Rating PG-13 for language Summary: Walter Skinner and John Carter come to the rescue as Scully learns to accept life as a single parent. Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, much nicer to them than Chris Carter is; if they were mine I would share them with the world. Please don't sue me. For Sheri, always. ///////////////////////// John Carter groaned as he rolled over and look at the clock. It was 2 AM and the baby was screaming to be fed again. Not for the first time, he thought about putting an NG tube in the kid and putting him on a continuous formula drip. He nudged Walter in the ribs with his elbow. "Walter, get up, the baby's crying." "Shit," Walter Skinner said into his pillow. "I have a 7 AM meeting, John. Can't you get him?" The baby was still wailing. Cursing under his breath, John climbed out of bed and went down the hall to the room the baby's crib was in. He scooped the screaming infant from the crib. "Jared, don't you know what time it is?" he asked rhetorically. He walked back down the hall towards the stairs. He paused in front of Dana's door and put his hand on the doorknob. The room was locked, as usual. He trudged down the stairs to heat a bottle. He rocked and sang to the baby as the formula warmed, then plopped down onto the couch to feed the baby. His eyes were blurred with exhaustion. Jared was almost three weeks old now. John wondered how long he would continue to wake every two hours, and how long his mother would refuse to look at him. When he wasn't so damn tired John was quite in love with Jared Scully. But he hated the circumstances that had led to him being the one feeding the baby at 2 AM while his mother locked herself in a room upstairs. Dana's labor had been horrible. The placenta had detached prematurely from her uterus, necessitating an emergency cesarean section. There hadn't been time for an epidural, so Dana was put under for the birth of her son. Then she had hemorrhaged and nearly bled out, requiring blood transfusions and a couple of days in the intensive care unit. By time she was well enough to see Jared he was three days old. She'd looked awkward and uncomfortable holding the baby from the word go. When the lactation consultant came to help teach the baby to nurse no amount of effort would get the baby to latch onto Dana's breast. "He doesn't like me." She'd declared, asking the nurse to take him back to the well baby nursery. Once the baby was gone Dana had turned to Walter with tears in her eyes and asked, "How am I going to tell him I never found his father? He's going to hate me for it." No amount of reassurance would change her mind. She'd been out of the hospital a week and a half and would barely look at the baby. She wouldn't even hold him. When asked to do so her eyes would grow wide and she would shuffle back to her bedroom, locking the door behind her. John knew she had a classic case of severe post partum depression, but she refused to see a counselor or consider taking antidepressants. Walter and John had had little choice but to bring her and the baby home with them. What could they do when she wouldn't even feed him? What the two men knew about babies wouldn't fill a thimble, but with Margaret Scully's help they were getting by. Jared finished his bottle and John propped him on his shoulder and thumped him gently on his back until he gave a satisfying burp and stuck his little fist in his mouth, slurping on it enthusiastically until he fell asleep. John was going to make damn sure Walter got up for the 4 AM feeding. He carried Jared upstairs and climbed back in bed with the baby snuggled in the crook of his arm. Let Walter sleep through the kid caterwauling right in his ear. /////////////// Dana Scully rolled over in the bed when she heard the baby crying. The baby. Not her baby, not her son. She hated herself for it, but when she'd looked at the little wailing infant with his creamy apricot skin and ripe persimmon mouth she'd felt like she was babysitting and wished his parents would show the hell up. Nothing was the way it was supposed to be. Mulder was supposed to be home to witness the birth of his son. They were supposed to be a family. Jared had known from his first contact with her that she would trade him for his father if she had the chance. He'd refused to suckle, had refused her. It was all the proof she'd need that she and this child were not a family. John kept telling her it was normal to have feelings of ambivalence. She just had post partum depression. Here Dana, take these nice pills and you'll fall in love with your baby. Bullshit. It wasn't normal to look at your own child and feel...nothing. She didn't even know why she was surprised. It wasn't like she'd taken very good care of herself or even given much thought to her life as a mother in the preceding 9 months. She'd been single-minded in her search for Mulder and determined to keep the X files open, putting herself in jeopardy in the field more times than she could count with no thought to the ramifications her actions would have on her unborn child. If Walter and John had not insisted she go home with them she might have left the baby at the hospital and put him up for adoption. She certainly couldn't go home with her mother, her mom would have been shoving the baby in her face every chance she got. Sometimes her milk let down when she heard the baby cry and hot tears would run down her cheeks as the warm milk left spots on her shirt. He hadn't wanted her milk; hadn't wanted her. No one had to tell him what a shitty mother she would be. The baby kept crying, but she heard John's soothing tones mixed with the baby's plea to be fed. She buried her head under her pillow and sank back into dreamless sleep. /////////////////// "This cannot continue." Walter was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee as John fed the baby for the millionth time. Jared Scully was starting to become permanently attached to John's shoulder. "Dana has got to snap out of this and take care of this boy. As her superior I could demand a psych consult before she returns to work, but until then I can only act as her friend. Do you think we should talk to her mother?" he asked John. John stroked the baby's back absentmindedly. "I think if we have Maggie get involved she's going to try to appeal to Dana on an emotional level that Dana is in no condition to accept. I tried leaving her alone with the baby earlier this week and went to the store and she called a damned babysitting service." "Then I'm at a loss here, but things can't keep up like this. Neither one of us can function adequately at work on this little sleep, and you've used up almost all your personal time taking care of the baby. And while you seem to have a degree of talent for this I most certainly do not. It's not that I don't love him, but changing shitty diapers is just not my forte." "Yeah, I kinda picked up on that. Though you do look really sexy with a baby in your arms," John said with a sly smile. Walter snorted. "If you want something cute and cuddly to nurture we'll get a puppy, John. Dana is going to have to face whatever is going on with her and take responsibility for her child." "We can't tie her up and force her into therapy." "No, but I can have a little chat with her," Walter said, sounding ominous. John sincerely hoped he wasn't home when this little chat took place. As if on cue Dana came down the stairs and into the kitchen, dressed in sweatpants and a gray t-shirt that belonged to Mulder. Her eyes were dull and her hair was in an untidy ponytail. She gave Walter and John a sideways glance, careful to avoid eye contact. She poured a cup of coffee and grabbed a bagel from the counter, then without a word went back upstairs. Walter eyed the air where she had stood. "Oh yes, we are definitely going to have a talk." Dana Scully sat curled up in the window seat in the guest bedroom of Walter Skinner and John Carter's home. Through the closed and locked door she heard John and Walter giving the baby a bath, evidenced by the sound of water splashing, John cooing and laughing and Walter cursing occasionally. They sounded so happily domestic. She wished she could bring herself to join them. But the baby seemed so little, so fragile. Like he would break if she touched him too hard. John was so natural with him; she felt like a bull with a china doll. And the baby sensed it; he cried in terror whenever she got too close to him. Sometimes at night she would creep into his room, which was actually an exercise room with a crib. she would peek in on him, filled with both dread and fascination. Each time the baby would awake and cry. She always slipped out of the room before John or Walter came to rescue him. She had to get out of here. She didn't know what to do. She just knew she couldn't stay. She couldn't be a mother to this baby. She had failed him; failed to find his father. She'd failed Mulder too by not finding him in time to see the son he would have been so proud of. He was more John and Walter's son than he was hers. Maybe it was all for the best that way. While John and Walter dealt with the little slippery seal named Jared Scully, Dana made a couple of quick phone calls. She was going to make her escape before she did any more damage in this household. She would rest and heal from her cesarean in a place where no one would look for her, then as soon as she was physically able she would find Mulder. Around 11 PM, John knocked softly on her door. She opened it just a crack, blocking his view of the open suitcase on the bed. "We're all about to head to bed. Do you need anything Dana?" John asked. The concern in his eyes made her heart ache. She didn't deserve his concern or affection. If he knew what she was planning there would be disappointment and contempt in his eyes. She shook her head and gave him a small attempt at a smile. "No, I'm fine. Thanks John. Goodnight." She closed the door practically in his face. John went to the room where Walter was laying Jared down. "She probably thinks I didn't see it, but there's a suitcase on her bed. She's about to bolt, Walter." Walter ran his hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose in a pained expression. "Shit. I'm going to talk to her." Walter didn't knock on the door; he twisted the doorknob hard enough that the flimsy lock broke and stepped in. She was packing. Her eyes flew wide open when she saw him, her mouth hanging open with shock. "Going somewhere, Agent Scully?" he asked, trying to keep the rising tide of his temper in check. Her mouth set in a grim, determined line. "Yes. If you want I'll have my mother come get the baby." "No, Jared always has a home here. Have you decided motherhood was better in theory than practice?" She slammed the suitcase shut. "I don't think that's really any of your business." He crossed the room in three strides and stood an arm's length from her, looking down into her draw and exhausted face. "You have made this mine and John's business. Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on with you? You have avoided that baby like he had the plague. If you don't love him and don't want him why didn't you just put him up for adoption?" Her eyes darkened with pain and confusion. They glistened with tears she would never shed in front of him. "It's not that I don't love him," she replied, her voice a whisper. "I'm just not sure what I'm doing. This isn't what I planned. I just need some time." Walter sighed. "Where are you going, Dana?" "I'm not sure," she lied. "I'll let you know when I get there. I just have to get away for a few weeks. I have to decide some things." "Fine, I can't stop you. But I do want to go on the record as saying this is the biggest mistake I have ever seen you make in the entire time I have known you. Wherever you go, please be careful and take care." He shut the door behind her. As soon as he did she called a cab to take her to the airport. //////////////// Twelve hours later Charlie Scully watched his exhausted and bone thin sister approach him in the baggage claim area of the Oakland airport. He put his arms around her and gave her a tight hug, a lump in his throat. She'd sounded so miserable when she called him seeking shelter. Dana was relieved to feel his strong arms around her. She was safe. No one would look for her at Charlie's aging farmhouse in rural Napa County, California. Miles and miles of grapes and mountains and freedom. That's what she needed right now. She let Charlie take her suitcase and lead her to his pickup truck to begin the long drive to Napa. They were outside of the city and on a two lane highway before Charlie spoke. "So, are you gonna tell me what made you decide to come see me after virtually no contact for the last 6 years or so? I was expecting the usual card on my birthday and maybe a phone call or two this year." Dana sighed and leaned back against the headrest, feeling the cool breeze from the open window scatter her hair about. "Things are not going well, Charlie. With the baby. I'm flunking motherhood one-o-one big time. Everything seems so damned wrong. I wanted a family with Mulder, and without him I don't seem to want anything. Not even Jared." "Danes, in a way Jared is the only part of Mulder you have left." "Yeah, I know. So why don't I feel close to him? Why don't I feel like his mother? It's almost as if he's not mine at all." She twisted a strand of her lank hair around a finger with the nail bitten down to the quick. She just couldn't explain the feeling of emptiness inside her. "Do you think that on some level you're afraid of losing Jared like you lost Emily and Mulder, so you won't let yourself get close to him?" her younger brother's blue eyes, nearly identical to her own, cast a quick sideways glance at her. She squirmed at the analytical gaze, wondering how often Mulder had felt like a bug in a jar under the same scrutiny. "I didn't come here for psychoanalysis. I just needed some time to clear my head. I appreciate you opening your home to me, but I'm not going to stay if it's going to be open season on my emotional state." Charlie reached over and patted her leg. "I'll leave you alone. But you're not totally off the hook. Once you've had some time to get your shit together we are going to talk." ///////////////////////// "No, Mrs. Scully, I swear to God she didn't tell us where she was going," John sighed into the phone. "I didn't call you because I didn't want you to worry. No, Jared is fine. We've got it covered. We hired a sitter. Sure, you're welcome to come up tomorrow and take him for the day. He's your grandson. Okay, we'll see you tomorrow." He hung up the phone. Dana had been gone three days and he couldn't evade Margaret Scully any longer. "That went rather well," He said to Walter. Walter sipped his scotch and shifted the stack of missing persons reports in his lap. Dana had them faxed to her from all over the world; any John Doe that remotely fit Mulder's description that turned up in hospitals, homeless shelters or mental health facilities. He'd been going through them himself, and couldn't believe she found the time to do all this and keep up with her regular work. She must not have slept in months. "You know," he stated succinctly. "I thought that unmarried men weren't supposed to have mother-in-laws. So how did we end up with Margaret Scully?" "She's part of the complete Jared Scully package. It comes with no sleep, formula stains on your shirts and at last count half a dozen ruined silk ties." John replied, sinking into the leather chair that matched the one Walter sat in. He surveyed the den that now contained a bouncy seat, a bassinette and assorted baby paraphernalia. "Doesn't look like much of a bachelor pad anymore, does it?", his words a statement more than a question. Walter snorted. John wasn't sure if the disgust was feigned or not. "No, it sure the hell doesn't. I, for one, will be greatly relieved when Dana Scully gets her act together and life can get back to normal." John reached over and took his hand, running his thumb over the knuckles. "You aren't enjoying playing house just a little bit?" "John, we discussed this. You know that I am not overly fond of children. They are nice to borrow, to play with when they are in a good mood, then you return them to their parents as soon as they aren't. But I never planned to be more than the occasionally doting godfather." Walter didn't voice his concern that John was enjoying playing house a little too much. Not for the first time he was reminded that John was only thirty and might not have fully considered that he was giving up the prospect of a family when he entered into this relationship. Walter was 17 years his senior and had never felt a strong urge to be a father, even when he was married. And the idea of adopting a child with John was inconceivable. While their relationship was socially "out" in limited circles, and they were open with their relationship with John's family and coworkers in Chicago, Walter's career did not afford him that luxury. With the exceptions of Mulder, Dana, and his assistant Kim no one that worked in the Hoover building knew anything about Walter Skinner's personal life. Well, there was that agent from ballistics that had run into John and Walter at Costco who might have his suspicions, but Walter had not confirmed them. "Walter, you still in there?" John snapped Walter from his reverie. "Jared's asleep. Would you like to turn in early?" he asked with a suggestive grin. Walter drained his scotch and put this glass down, sliding the papers onto the table. "Sounds wonderful." He stood and tugged at John's hand. "C'mon, Medicine Boy, up ya go." John laughed and let Walter pull him up and into his arms. "I miss you," he growled as he nibbled on Walter's earlobe. "I've just been so damn tired lately, with the baby waking up every couple of hours." And Walter had thought one of the perks of being gay was you never had to hear someone use that as an excuse to get out of having sex. He and John climbed the stairs and he gave John a gentle push onto the bed, then removed his glasses and went to work on the buttons of John's shirt. When he reached the fourth button and had John hot and panting in his hands the baby woke with a plaintive howl. John groaned miserably. "Duty calls," he said, giving Walter a final quick kiss and heading to go get the baby. Walter sighed, resigned, and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Dana Scully sat on the porch of her brother's house, idly rocking back in forth in the wicker rocker and watching the dazzling purplish blue sunset. She was wrapped in a quilt her mother had made when they were children, with panels in the shape of stars made from dresses she and Missy had outgrown. The tension that had coiled like a spring within her for months was slowly ebbing away. Charlie was being wonderful. He was a master carpenter and during the day he built his mission style furniture in the converted barn while Dana read, slept, and stared out at the rich fertile earth of northern California. Huge, velvety looking grape leaves climbed up poles for as far as the eye could see. Behind the house a small creek flowed and beyond that was a gentle roll of mountains. She could see wanting to stay here forever. No cell phones, no FBI, no responsibilities at all. But she couldn't hide forever. She'd only been gone a week, but she knew that in that week some vital clue to Mulder's disappearance could be slipping past her. Doggett wouldn't keep up with the search the way she did. He had no real reason to, this wasn't personal for him. She missed Jared. She was glad to find that she had some emotions left in her. She'd stopped herself a dozen times from picking up the phone to see how he was. She had no right to care; she'd abandoned him. She was sure by now her mother knew she was gone and was frantic. She wondered if Walter and John even still had the baby or if her mother had intervened and taken him home with her. It had been wrong of her to run off the way she had. She known it even then, but hadn't been able to stop herself. She couldn't think straight while watching John Carter be a better "mother" to her son than she was. It had made her own ineptitude glaringly, painfully obvious, and she simply couldn't stand it. She'd never failed at anything she'd put her mind to, but she was a hopeless failure at the one thing that should have come as naturally to her as breathing. Charlie came out of the house with two cups of coffee in his hands. He handed one to Dana and sat down in the chair next to her. "It's beautiful out here, isn't it?" "It is," she agreed. "I can see why you moved out here. But are you happy being out in the middle of nowhere?" "Yeah, I am," he said without hesitation. "I'm my own best company. I spent so much time bouncing from place to place without much direction. It took moving out here and really getting used to my own company for me to figure out what made me happy. Finding Buddhism helped, but this place was just as important. The calm, the quiet. You can't order a pizza, or get tv reception. You're all alone with your thoughts." They sat in companionable silence for a long while. Dana had been surprised that her catholic-raised brother had been faithfully practicing Buddhism for the last few years. The furniture he created was beautiful in its simplicity and clean lines, and drew good prices from the retail establishments that bought his pieces. She envied how together he seemed. In comparison she was falling apart at the seams. "Have you decided what your next step is?" he asked her softly. "I love having you here, Dane, but you can't hide out forever. And a week is a long time to be away from an infant." "I have to find Mulder. There has to be something I'm missing, some piece to the puzzle that I'm not seeing. But I can't go back to Jared without finding his father. I owe him that." "Dane, don't you think you owe him having his mother around? Having one parent is better than neither. I admit, I've never lost anyone as close to me as you were to Mulder, but at some point you have to accept that he's not coming back. We make our pain so much more intense than it has to be when we refuse to let go of it. And you have something so positive and beautiful to take it's place in your life with Jared. You've closed yourself off from feeling anything because you're afraid to mourn, but at the same time you've cut yourself off from all the good things you could have too." "Charlie, you're assuming that Mulder is dead. I'm not. I'm certain he's not. And it's not that I haven't wanted to feel all those beautiful motherly emotions. They just didn't come." "Dana, you've never in your life fallen head over heals with anyone. Do you stop to consider that maybe you had to cultivate those feelings instead of just expecting them to be there?" She paused and sipped her coffee. "No," she admitted ruefully. "I guess I haven't thought of it that way." "Well, Jared's a human being, not just a part of you. Maybe you have to get to know him as a person instead of just expecting to be bonded to him by virtue of blood ties." His words were like a lightbulb going off in her head. It made sense, but she'd been so wrapped up in feeling like a failure when she didn't immediately feel this wash of motherly love that she hadn't really tried to approach the situation from another angle. "Thank you, Charlie. For everything. I'm sorry that it took something like this for me to make the effort to get to know you better. You're not half bad for a little brother." She smiled gently at him. He gave her a wide grin. "You're not half bad yourself, Sis. But when you go back to work, don't let it consume you so much that you forget the rest of the world still exists. You know, if you want to go get Jared and come back here, you are welcome to stay indefinitely. I'm making enough money to handle all the bills, you can take all the time you need and don't have to rush back to work." "After my last conversation with my boss I'm afraid he's going to force me to have a psych evaluation before he lets me come back to work." "Well, I'm going to go start dinner. Just give it some thought. I would love to meet my nephew." He ruffled her hair as he walked past her and went back inside. He was right. It was time to go back and face the music. She went inside to make arrangements for her flight back to DC. John was seething as he went to put Jared in his crib. When he returned to the den Walter was still standing, as motionless as a statue, in front of the fireplace. "You know," John said in a low tone, full of carefully contained rage. "I am not a child. You don't need to treat me like some kid who is experimenting with his sexuality and you need to steer me in the right direction. If this relationship isn't working for you just say it." "John, that's not what I meant. It's just...I see how you are with the baby. You seem to be enjoying having him here a great deal. And you need to think about the fact that if you stay in this relationship you won't ever have the opportunity to be a father. And I wasn't implying that you don't know your own mind. I was merely pointing out the fact that just because you were attracted to one man does not mean you couldn't go on to have a happy meaningful relationship with a woman if that's the kind of life you want to have." Walter felt like he was swimming against the tide and it wasn't a feeling he was accustomed to. He handled life by being composed, calm, and in control. At the moment he was none of those things. He felt like someone was wringing his heart out like a rag. John lost any vestige of self control. "Jesus Fucking Christ, Walter, you are not the Assistant Director in this House! You can take that tone with your agents, but I am your partner, and I won't be spoken to like a subordinate. So you can cut that shit out right now. I am *gay*, you idiot. Gay, Gay, Gay. I don't want to go get married and have a houseful of kids and a minivan. Shit, we already bought a minivan last year. We already bought this house. I gave up my whole life in Chicago and moved here. Do you think I did that on a whim? In the past four days you have pointed out that I am *only* thirty at least five times. Don't do this to me right now. I'm still trying to prove myself at my new job and take care of Jared...this is too much." He ran his hand through his hair, trying to fend off the urge to smash something. "Yes, I love Jared and am very attached to him. But that doesn't mean I didn't choose this life willingly, and I don't appreciate you second guessing my choices for me. I went against my family and everything I was raised to believe to make the decisions I have, and I think that qualifies me to be the authority on what *I* want out of my life, not you." He turned on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving Walter silent and staring. He stopped and grabbed his jacket out of the hall closet then slipped out the front door. He needed some air to clear his head. Walter had blindsided him with this conversation. Pompous asshole, acting like some sage advisor instead of his lover, treating John like a child. John expected that shit from his parents, but he didn't have to take it from Walter. So Walter thought that after two and a half years together John was just experimenting with this homosexual lifestyle, and maybe he should toddle on home and get married and live a "normal" life. Fuck him. If that was how seriously he thought John took their commitment to each other he could piss off. John shoved his hands in his jacket pockets to keep them warm. He felt a prescription pad in the right hand pocket. Visions of Ativan danced in his head. What a pleasant thought. Just a couple of pills to take the edge off his anger before his head exploded. John hadn't thought about taking drugs in a couple of months. Not since the incident at County General right before he moved. He'd taken two Vicodin from a patient's pill bottle and swallowed them, but forced himself to vomit them up immediately. It had been like second nature, the ease with which his subconscious had made the decision to take them. How quickly his body had remembered the euphoria of feeling the drugs course through his veins like liquid heat, making John feel warm and relaxed, confident and composed. And an addict. You could convince your brain the drugs were bad for you, but the body always remembered how good it felt to get high. John walked the four blocks to the pharmacy. He stood outside and quickly scribbled out the prescription, making it out to Walter instead of himself. As he stood in line to get it filled he waited for the wrath of God or his NA sponsor to descend upon him, but nothing happened. The pharmacist filled the prescription without hesitating. John left the pharmacy and walked a few more blocks to the park. It was dark out now and the park was deserted. No one here but us junkies, John thought to himself. He quickly swallowed three of the pills and shoved the bottle in his pocket. He wouldn't take them on a regular basis; he'd just keep them around for emergencies. He had to do something to stay calm in the wake of all the tension between him and Walter. Before long the moon and stars seemed to be glowing brighter and John felt a languid sensation move through his limbs. He felt warm all over. Too bad Walter wasn't speaking to him; it would have been nice to go home and slide into the big warm bed and make love with him. The world seemed a much nicer place out under the night sky with no one hassling him or criticizing him. He slowly made his way back home. The house was dark and quiet when he returned. Walter's pillow was missing off the bed and the door to the den was locked. Fuck him, John thought to himself as he slipped out of his clothes and into the bed. ///////////////////////////// Around 2AM Walter heard the baby crying. He'd heard John come in hours before, so he rolled over on the too small couch and tried to go back to sleep. But the baby continue to cry for a good ten minutes and he still hadn't heard John's voice or his footsteps come down the stairs to the kitchen. He got up and went upstairs, scooping the screaming infant out of the bed and popping his pinky finger in the baby's mouth to keep him quiet until he could feed him. He stopped by the bedroom and found John deeply asleep, his clothes in a heap next to the bed. He wondered if John had gone out and gotten drunk; he never slept this heavily. Walter fed the baby and got him back to sleep, then went back to the bedroom. He picked up John's clothes to put them in the laundry basket. John must have dropped them in the floor just to piss him off; he knew how much he hated that. Under the clothing was a bottle. Walter picked it up and squinted to read the writing in the dark without his glasses. He couldn't make out the print. He tossed the clothes in the basket and took the bottle downstairs with him to the den, where he put on his glasses and turned on a lamp. He couldn't believe what he was reading. John had gone out and written a prescription for anti-anxiety pills in Walter's name. A big prescription, at that. Enough to last two months if taken at the proper dosage. Walter counted them and found that not one but three pills were missing. He could have wept. John's recovery had been nearly complete. He'd only had one setback and he'd handled it well. Walter couldn't believe he'd taken the pills, but it certainly explained him sleeping through Jared's rather insistent cries. Guilt weighed heavily on him, knowing their argument earlier that night had caused John to slip. Now on top of everything else he was going to have to hound John to contact his sponsor and start going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings again. And John already thought Walter was treating him like a child. Walter suddenly felt that if Dana Scully didn't turn up soon his life was going to fall apart at the seams. Dana hesitated to let go of her brother's hand, even as the final boarding call for her plane was announced. "I'm going to miss you, Charlie." She blinked back tears as she hugged him. Charlie Scully kissed the top of his sister's head. "You're gonna be okay Dana. You're going to be a wonderful mother. Go knock 'em dead, Beautiful." She smiled up into his warm affectionate face. How could he have grown into such a fine man and she missed it all? "I will. I'll call soon, I promise." He gave her a swift pop on the behind. "Now go get on that plane before it leaves without you." Dana hurried to the gate with her boarding pass in hand, throwing one last smile to her brother over her shoulder. She was genuinely anxious to get home to Jared. She was going to try to make this work. She was going to get to know him and give herself a chance to love him. He wasn't to blame for all that she'd lost, for the wall she'd built around her heart. She was scared. Scared to death she couldn't do this, that she was going to fail as a mother, but he deserved a chance to be loved, so she was going to have to tear that wall down even if it meant finally mourning Emily and accepting Mulder's loss. A small, terrified part of her wanted to run in the other direction at the prospect, but she willed it away. She knew she would probably be wise to go into counseling, and she was willing to do it if it would help her begin a relationship with her son. He shouldn't have to start his life with the legacy of all that had led to his birth and his father's disappearance. He deserved a clean slate. Dana just hoped Walter, John and her mother could forgive her. She'd been gone two weeks now, and hadn't contacted anyone. For all they knew she was dead or had taken off for good. Classic Fox Mulder behavior; not something the Dana Scully she believed herself to be would ever do. She had a lot to make up for, and not just with Jared. She closed her eyes and an image of Mulder played through her head. His warm hazel eyes radiating passion that rivaled a religious epiphany, his soft hair between her fingers. The gentle rise and fall of his chest as he slept in her arms like a child, safe for the first time in 25 years. God, they'd had such a short time together. Just six months as a couple before his disappearance. It was six months that would have to last a lifetime. She'd started writing in her journal again while she was gone, wanting to record ever memory of Mulder to share with their son. Well, she thought with a smile, there were a few she would keep to herself. All lovers deserved their secrets. Her biggest decision had been to take an extended leave of absence from the bureau. She and Jared needed to get their bearings as a family, and she needed time to accept that Mulder in all likelihood was not coming back. That left her to wonder if she really wished to continue in the X Files division with John Doggett as a partner. Maybe her time as a field agent had passed and she could be of more value and be more fulfilled teaching. With Mulder the X files had been about more than just chasing down that which went bump in the night; now it was just a job. Without Mulder there to somehow fit together the pieces of the puzzle no matter how ill the fit originally seemed their solve rate had gone down about fifteen percent. Sure, it was still within bureau standards but she had grown accustomed to a level of excellence she and Doggett just couldn't achieve together. They were definitely two pieces of a puzzle that didn't match. They weren't even from the same puzzle. The first thing she needed to do when she got home was turn the second bedroom into a nursery. She hadn't even bought a stick of baby furniture. John had gone out and bought it all while she was still in the hospital. She wanted to paint the constellations on the ceiling and give Jared an appreciation of the stars that had so captivated his father. She would learn about baseball and basketball and take Jared to the games his father adored. He would know his father, even if he couldn't have him in body. She would keep Mulder close for both of them. She wasn't going to be a perfect mother, but she could at least do this one thing for her son and keep his father's memory alive. Dana was profoundly grateful God had sent her into the arms of her brother. Charlie had grown so strong and insightful and supportive. Dana regretted all the time they'd lost through apathy and negligence. Missy's death should have taught her not to take her family for granted, but if anything she had pushed them farther away. Between Charlie and Bill and John and Walter, Jared wouldn't lack for strong men in his life. He had an abundance of people who adored him. She wanted him raised with the strong sense of family that Margaret and Bill Scully had instilled in their children. She felt in her heart that Mulder was still alive. But she had accepted that she couldn't scream "give him back!" at the heavens and expect a response. If THEY still had him no amount of searching would bring him home, and nothing short of that would have kept him from finding his way back to her. She would pray for his safe return, as she had done every day since his disappearance, but she would also make room in her heart and life to raise their son. Mulder had been an enigma at first. She was no psychologist, but she knew that that sort of machismo arrogance often hid a painfully shy soul, and that had definitely been the case with Mulder. She would never let their son go through life with the burdens Mulder had lived with; a lifetime of feeling responsible for his parent's unhappiness, when the events had unfolded when he was only a child himself. Even if she was a failure at this parenting business and Jared was raised by John and Walter, he would know it wasn't his fault. Jared wouldn't spend his life looking for answers the adults in his life owed him. Their son would know love and acceptance, as "spooky" or Joe Average as he turned out to be. Just being Jared Scully would be enough for him. John's head felt like it was weighted down with lead when he awoke the next morning. He struggled into his robe and went to check on the baby, but found the crib empty. He went downstairs and found Walter at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal while reading the paper. Jared was asleep in his bassinette next to him. On the table was the bottle of pills. John felt the earth drop out from underneath him. They must have fallen out of his pocket when he took his clothes off the night before. He picked up the bottle, his whole body shaking. Walter displayed no reaction. He didn't even look up from his paper. "Walter..." John began, and trailed off. What could he possibly say to defend himself? Walter put the newspaper down and looked John squarely in the eye, the anger in his brown eyes piercing John's heart. "John, we can't deal with this right now," he said in a low, pained tone. "Wasn't Atlanta bad enough? Do you want to go through that again? I can't. I won't watch you destroy yourself. Call your sponsor, go back to twice daily meetings, we'll go to counseling, whatever it takes, but you _cannot_ start using drugs again. Especially while we have a child in this house." "I'm sorry. I was just so upset, so damned frustrated-" Walter cut him off. "I don't want to hear it. You come up with a plan to prevent this from happening again and let me know what it is. You call your sponsor and go to a meeting _today_, or we have nothing left to discuss. The sitter will be here in an hour. I'm late for work, and I'm not really in the frame of mind to have a conversation with you. I love you, John, but I'm not going to live with your drug addiction." He picked up his briefcase and jacket and walked out the door. John sat down at the table. He couldn't possibly have felt lower than he did at that moment. Not even when he'd been caught shooting up in the ER last year. People had felt sorry for him after the stabbing and Lucy's death and cut him a lot of slack. This time he didn't have any excuse. People fought with their spouses all the time and didn't run off and write illegal prescriptions for themselves. He could lose his license if he were caught. Jared woke and began making little gurgling sounds, the two minute warning that if you didn't feed him the screaming would commence. John picked him up and held him to his chest, resting his cheek on the soft silky baby hair. As soon as he fed the baby he would call his sponsor. The look in Walter's eyes had left abject panic in his heart. He couldn't lose Walter. He was the best thing that had ever happened to John. Wherever Dana was, he hoped like hell she was enjoying her little vacation. It sure was wreaking hell on everyone else's life. //////////////////////// When the plane touched down on the tarmac Dana felt her heart beat rapidly in her chest. She couldn't wait to get back to Georgetown and see Jared. She wondered what his soft little body smelled like, what the velvety weight of him would feel like in her arms. She wondered if his eyes were still blue or if they would turn hazel like Mulder's. She wanted to know how much he had weighed at his last checkup. She wanted to try and mother her son. She fought back the panic that he would scream at her touch and sense her unease. She would get through this. She had to. She took a cab to the house and was surprised to see an unfamiliar car in the driveway. She let herself in with her key and found a startled young brunette rocking Jared in the den. "Who the hell are you?" Dana demanded as she put her suitcase down. "I'm Trish, from the nanny service. I work for Dr. Carter and Mr. Skinner. They didn't tell me they were expecting company." Dana felt the hackles on the back of her neck rise. "I'm not company, I'm Jared's mother. You can leave now." The young woman blushed a deep scarlet. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I know Dr. Carter and Mr. Skinner are, um, partners. I assumed Jared was their son. But I can't leave. I'd lose my job. You aren't on the list of people I can leave him with. Only Dr. Carter, Mr. Skinner, and Margaret Scully." "Well, Trish, I'm Dana Scully, Margaret's daughter and Jared's mother. Nothing personal, but you're fired. I'm home and we won't be needing a sitter anymore. I'll call the agency and make sure that your job is not jeopardized." Trish rose and handed the baby to Dana. His sleeping body contoured to the rise of her breasts and his head rested against her heart. He stuck his fist in his mouth and slurped happily. Dana was overwhelmed. He was so soft, almost boneless in the trusting way he fitted himself to her. She rested her cheek on the top of his head. She could feel his heart beat through the fontanel on the top of his head. His head was firm and fuzzy like a ripe peach. He smelled of almond soap and baby shampoo. He wasn't screaming, wasn't struggling in her arms. Maybe things would be okay. "Hello Jared," she whispered. "I missed you." Trish collected her things and Scully again assured her she would make certain she didn't lose her job. When Trish was gone Scully sat in the rocker, awkwardly but tenderly holding the baby. Her heart thudded in her chest, but she was alright. Maybe there still wasn't this overwhelming feeling of motherhood, but holding him felt right. Like she and Mulder, they weren't perfect but they fit together in a way she didn't understand but accepted as right. Jared filled some little niche in her she hadn't known was empty until that moment. "It's gonna be okay, Jared. You and I are going figure all this family stuff out. I don't really know how to be a mom, but I know how to do research and I'll read some books and pay attention to you and figure it out. Just be patient with me, okay? Things aren't gonna be perfect, but they never are in this family." She started humming softly to him when she realized she didn't even know any lullabies. With a faint smile she said, "Let me tell you about the day I met your Daddy." ////////////////////////// John was sitting at the noon NA meeting at the local Unitarian church. It was like most meetings; a jittery cluster of bodies nervously clutching their coffee cups, faces drawn tight with fear or paranoia. John's stomach clenched painfully, his nerves on edge. He had never become comfortable at NA meetings, could never be drawn into the desperate embraces of his fellow addicts, assuring him he was lovable and worthy and could beat his addiction. He rarely stood and told his story, though his sponsor would have insisted upon it if she'd been able to attend the meeting. He looked down at the little crescent shaped marks in his palms as the meeting began, the leader reciting the 12 steps of recovery. He made a conscious effort to unclench his fists before his nails broke the skin. He looked down at the floor and mumbled soundlessly as the group spoke the Serenity Prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen." Upon the last word John looked up to put a face with the deep male voice that spoke from beside him. Walter was standing there. He smiled gently at John and put his hand on his shoulder. "This seat taken?" he asked. John shook his head and Walter sat beside him, taking his hand. Very quietly he said. "I love you. We'll get through this together." John nodded in silent gratitude and focused his attention on the first speaker at the podium. END