From: Mezzo4@aol.com Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 02:00:35 EDT Subject: Desideratum II: Found (6/11) R.Anton & L.Blaurosen TITLE: Desideratum II: Found (6/11) AUTHORS: Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen E-MAIL: RaValliano@aol.com and Mezzo4@aol.com DISCLAIMER: We don't own Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Bill and Maggie Scully, or the concept of Charles Scully. All the other characters are ours though :) SUMMARY: How far is too far to go in the name of love? All other items in part one Desideratum II: Found by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen part 6/11 11:15 PM Mulder crept quietly into Scully's room. The only light was coming from the mute scenes flickering across the television set and Scully appeared to be sound asleep in her bed. Mulder felt a deep relief fill his heart. Thank God, she was okay. He'd been certain that something was wrong ever since he'd left Mrs. Scully's house. But here she was, resting comfortably. He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding and sat down next to the bed. She looked more peaceful than he'd seen her in a long time in the blue glow of the television. She was turned on her side, resting on her good arm, her broken arm held out in front of her body. He leaned in to look closely at her eyes and noticed that there seemed to be no motion whatsoever under her lids. Rena seemed to be right about at least that much. She was sleeping but she wasn't really resting. He noticed for the first time really, how sunken and sallow her cheeks looked, how the bones in her neck and chest seems to be straining against her skin. She was starting to look more undernourished than she had when he'd seen her at Jane's. She may look peaceful now, but he knew, she was haunted inside. He reached out his hand to stroke her hair, needing to touch her, to know that she was really still there, and as he leaned over he caught sight of something resting on the bedside table. He picked up the pile of papers and started leafing through them. It was Jane's file. Goddammit, who the hell gave these to her, he wondered angrily as he read through the sheets. This couldn't possibly be good for her, to read this stuff. He had a feeling he knew why she'd done it. Perhaps she felt that looking at the whole case in a disconnected, objective way would separate her from it. She would be able to dissociate herself from the events. He knew the technique well. He'd tried the same thing with his sister's file a million times, with Scully's file the first time she'd disappeared. It hadn't worked. In fact it had made him feel a thousand times worse. He thought again of Rena's stupid suggestion. The last thing she needed was to relive those horrible things. It would only hurt her in the end, as would reading this damned file over and over. He shoved the papers into his coat. "M...Mulder..." Scully muttered absently in her sleep. He looked again at her face. She was no longer calm. Her features were troubled. He moved to her other side and lay down in the bed next to her. He turned on his side and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. "I'm here Scully, right here." He buried his face in her neck and squeezed her reassuringly. "Mulder...m'sorry..." Her eyes were still closed and he couldn't tell if she was still sleeping or not. "Sorry for what Scully? You haven't done anything wrong," he whispered into her ear. "I...I need help. M'gonna get it Mulder. Promise." He smiled and kissed her cheek, "That's good Scully. I'm really glad to hear that." And he was glad. He just hoped that she found the kind of help she really needed. xxxxxx Wednesday 12:15 PM "So when did you want to start, Dana?" "Start what?" Rena and Scully both turned to see Mulder standing in the doorway of Scully's room. "Mulder, Rena and I have been talking..." "Oh really?" Mulder glanced at Rena suspiciously. She wouldn't. She couldn't. Surely she would have at least told him first. "Yes, and she's been explaining this method of therapy to me, something she did with Charlie junior and it's um...it's a bit unconventional but I've decided to give it a try." Mulder stood with his hands in his pockets, rocking slowly back and forth on his heels. He tried to maintain a neutral expression. He didn't want to blow up in front of Scully. She seemed pretty hopeful about the whole thing which only added fuel to the fire of his anger. Why get her hopes up about something that wasn't going to work, that might even end up hurting her more. And worse yet, she was looking at him as though she expected him to throw a fucking party about her decision. He remembered her promise to him last night. She'd told him she was going to get help and he'd been happy about that. Was she doing this just to keep that promise, to please him at any cost, even her own sanity? Rena was smiling at him nervously and he gave her a strained grin in response. He really felt like smacking that stupid smile right off her face. "That's um...that's great Scully." "Do you want to hear about what it's going to involve?" He did want to hear it from Scully's perspective. He wanted to know how Rena had explained it to her and if she'd actually told her the same thing she'd told him. If so, he couldn't believe that she'd agreed to it so easily. But first, he had something to get off his chest. Something that was going to start bubbling to the surface if he didn't get out of there soon. "S...sure Scully, maybe in a little bit. But first I'd really like to talk to Rena outside for a minute." He turned to Rena and saw that she was already angry. "If that's okay with you, Rena." She nodded and turned back to Scully. "I'll see you in a bit." "Okay, I'd like to start as soon as possible. Even this afternoon if it's okay." Rena and Mulder exchanged another tense glance and Rena squeezed Scully's hand. "Sure Dana, whenever you want." They moved out of her room and Mulder closed her door behind them so she wouldn't be able to hear any of this. He turned to Rena and she looked almost smug to him. "You have got a lot of nerve. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?" He spoke quietly but with intensity. "I think I'm the only person around here who seems to have Dana's best interests in mind. You know acting like this is NOT going to help her." Acting like this. What a self righteous little snot. He couldn't believe that she had the gall to accuse him of all people of not thinking about what was best for Scully. It was all he ever thought about. "And you think that coming in here and pushing all this wacked out crap on her when she's totally vulnerable without even talking to me about it first is gonna help her? What did you do Rena, wait outside her room until I was gone so that you could sneak in there behind my back?" Rena rolled her eyes at him, "God, you really are paranoid, aren't you? This isn't a goddamn conspiracy Mulder." Damn her for doing this. She didn't even know Scully. Not like he did. She should have talked to him more about this. He knew he was right. He should have been the one to ask Scully about it, if she wanted to try it. He would have been able to tell how she really felt about it. But she'd just gone right ahead and stuck her nose where it didn't belong. He wasn't paranoid, she'd known how he felt about it and she'd deliberately left him out of the discussion. Now the decision was made and he'd been completely shut out. "You know, Mulder, I can't even believe I'm hearing this from you. I was starting to really develop a deep respect for you but now I'm not so sure anymore." What the hell was that supposed to mean? Because he disagreed with her she didn't respect him anymore? Because he'd called her on her idiotic, thoughtless behavior he wasn't worthy of her regard? "What is that supposed to make me cry? Please stop Rena, you're hurting my feelings." "Mulder..." "You know what, I don't give a rat's ass about your respect. You think I respect you anymore after this? I don't care if you respect me. All I care about is that Scully's safe and I do not think she's safe with you." "Is it really that, Mulder? Or is it that you aren't the one making the decisions, the one controlling her?" "Controlling her? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I do not try to control Scully, ever. And if you knew a goddamn thing about her you'd know that nobody in their right mind would even attempt to control her. I..." He took a deep breath and tried to control his temper. He was getting dangerously close to the edge with this woman. She had no fucking idea what she was talking about or who she was dealing with here. "I am trying to protect her. From YOU." "From me." She snorted and shook her head. "You really are no better than Bill you know that? Same chauvinistic, patronizing, overbearing attitude, different package." That was it. The end. He was not about to stand there and take that kind of crap from this woman. She didn't know him. She didn't know anything. "That's a low blow and all it does is prove that you know NOTHING about me or Scully or any of this." His voice was raising steadily as was Rena's. "Well Mulder, the way you're acting...for Christ's sake, you don't own her. She's a grown woman. If you won't listen to me why don't you try talking to her about it? I'm sure you must realize that she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions." Talk about patronizing. She was treating him like he was some kind of medieval husband who couldn't grasp the difference between women and chattel. "Yes, yes she is but the fact that she agreed to this bullshit only proves that she is not in her normal state of mind right now. She's desperate for help and you're taking advantage of that. Did you even explain half the crap you wanna do with her?" "Of course I did. I gave her more details than I gave you and she is open minded enough to give it a try. Why can't you be? I thought you were supposed to be a supporter of things like this. Didn't you have hypno therapy yourself?" "That has nothing to do with this! How can you even compare..." He squeezed his fists together in an attempt to keep from striking her. How dare she even bring that up? What the hell business was it of hers? And it only reminded him of the time he'd seen Scully hypnotized. If what Rena was planning was anything even remotely like that it would happen over his dead body. "I'm not gonna let this happen Rena. I am not gonna let you do this to her. This is bullshit!" He was shouting now and thrusting his finger in her face. "Hey, get your hands away from me! Do you have any respect for anyone at all? I know you don't respect yourself but that doesn't give you the right to treat other people this way. I did not postpone my vacation to be with my sister in law only to be treated like this." "Oh, please forgive me. I didn't mean to ruin your fucking vacation and your fucking perfect life with Scully's petty problems!" Unbelievable. Unbelievable fucking bitch. She had no idea what they'd been through, why he had to go to these lengths to defend Scully. "Dammit, that's not what I mean..." "Well what the hell do you mean? Do you even give a shit about her or are you just doing this to prove yourself to your husband's goddamn family?" Rena held up her hand defensively. "Don't, just don't even... You have no idea what you're talking about and furthermore it is none of your business." "Right, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I wouldn't know what it's like to have the entire family of the person you love hate your guts. No fucking idea." He'd thought she and Charlie were different too. That maybe, just maybe he could trust them and that they accepted him and had a place for him. Obviously though, Rena was no more interested in including him than anyone else. "Mulder, we're getting away from the issue here. If you would just step back and forget about yourself for two seconds..." "What the hell are you talking about? This has NOTHING to do with me. This is about Scully, you're the one thinking about yourself. What the hell do you think is gonna happen when you start this thing and she gets hysterical? Do you have any idea how to handle something like that? You're not a fucking psychologist!" "Mulder, calm down." It was Charlie. He walked towards them and placed himself between them. "I might not have a degree like you but I know a hell of a lot more about real people and their feelings than you do!" "Rena, come on..." Charlie put his arm around his wife and rubbed her shoulders. She jerked away from him. "Charlie, no. He thinks the entire world revolves around him and his needs. He has no idea..." "Do you know what she plans on doing to your sister?" Mulder demanded angrily. Charlie held up his hands. "Look, I dunno what the hell's going on but you guys need to calm down right now or we're all gonna get thrown out of here." Rena shrugged and turned towards the door of Scully's room. "Fine then. I've got more important things to deal with." Mulder grabbed her arm violently. "I don't want you going near her, dammit." "Whoa, hey." Charlie pulled Mulder's arm from Rena. "I don't think you wanna do that." Mulder and Charlie's eyes met and Mulder backed down. He didn't want to do that. Not really. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down a little. "Come on Rena, why don't we go get some lunch and try to cool down a little?" Rena sighed and nodded. "Fine. But I'm coming back." xxxxxx 2:30 PM "Okay, are you ready?" Scully scooted herself upright as Rena raised the back of her bed. Scully sighed deeply and answered, "Y-yeah...yes. What is it that I do first?" "Alright, I need to remind you, Dana, some of these sessions may evoke other feelings, other memories which may or may not be related to the image that you are concentrating on." She regarded Scully seriously. "They may be unexpected and painful. You understand this, you are prepared, right?" Scully nodded even though she was very afraid she might actually be lying to her sister-in-law. For a millisecond she considered backing down, but forced herself to keep that feeling quiet. She looked at the clock once and then toward the door. Rena laid her hand on Scully's arm and squeezed lightly. She knew Scully was still hoping Mulder would show. "You'll be fine. I have every faith in you." Rena reassured her. "Now, based on what we've talked about, I'd like to start from the beginning, from the time when you were free for a moment, but Jane over powered you. Okay? You feel safe here, don't you? You let me know if you don't." "Fine. I'm fine." "I want you to concentrate on that moment, on what you saw. Play it over and over in your head, include every detail that you can think of. Dwell on it." Scully put herself back there, in Jane's apartment. Looking at the photos...,picking up the telephone to call Mulder for help...Jane's 'what the fuck!'...her paralyzation, the shooting pain in her arm. Her heart pounded furiously. "Okay," she breathed out. "Got it." "Hold it there and tell me what you think about what happened." "I should have..." she drifted off, pinching her eyes shut once. "Should have what?" "I shouldn't have let it happen. I let it happen. I didn't get out of there right away. My fault, it was my fault I couldn't get away. I waited too long." "Good, Dana, that's good." Rena watched and tried to calm herself. Scully was beginning to perspire a bit at the temples and breath heavily. "Now, how does that make you feel?" "Anger. A bit frustrated." "Where in your body do you feel that?" "My gut." She had no idea why she'd been inclined to say that. "Stay in the picture, stay in the feeling and rate it for me. On a scale of 0 to 10, assess that emotion, with ten being the worst possible feeling, zero being neutral." "Uhh...mm...n-nine. Nine." She cringed and wiped her brow. "Now tell me how you'd rather to feel about what happened that day." She breathed deeply and said, "I didn't have a choice. She uh...she took me by surprise. I wouldn't have had time to get away." "Good." Rena's voice remained always calm in contrast to Scully's forced words. She willed her body to be just as calm for Scully's sake. "Tell me now on a scale of 1 to 7, with 7 being true, assess for me the truthfulness of that statement." Rena took this moment to jot down on a hospital notepad all of the things Scully had said. After a brief silence, Scully decided, "Three." xxxxxx Mulder spit the half chewed piece of rubber/chicken into his napkin. The food in this hospital cafeteria was some of the worst he'd ever experienced. And it didn't help that his stomach was in turmoil already. It had been a couple hours already since his argument with Rena. He knew she had to be starting her "therapy" session with Scully by this time. After stalking around the hospital, kicking various objects and muttering angrily under his breath, he'd come to the cafeteria to sit and think for awhile. It had only taken him a few moments of slightly rational reflection to realize that he'd overreacted quite a bit with Rena. He was still worried about this whole thing but he knew he'd really responded on a gut level, more to his exclusion than to the actual facts. But even with this realization, he still didn't feel up to actually watching the whole process. And he didn't really think being there would help Scully at all. That was, he realized, his true problem with it. He couldn't be there with her. He would have nothing to do with her healing process. And that was, he supposed, as it should be. His attempts at trying to help her had been dismal failures. She was better off with Rena, someone who had half a brain. Someone who hadn't been indirectly responsible for the whole trauma she was trying to recover from in the first place. He was jealous of Rena, he realized that now too. That was part of the reason he'd been so angry. He was jealous of the power she held in her hands, her magic, her ability to help Scully. He wished he knew how. And he was jealous too of what he'd called her "fucking perfect life". She and Charlie had the kind of life that he'd been searching for for what seemed like forever. The kind of life he wanted with Scully but would never actually get. He wasn't capable of that kind of stability, that kind of normalcy and comfort. But Scully was, she was and she deserved it. He was keeping her from it. And he resented Rena for reminding him of that. And, in a moment of extreme self-honesty, he discovered that he was actually terrified that Scully would start talking to Rena about her life, that she'd start feeling like she wanted to live the way Rena did and that Mulder could never give her that. He was afraid that Rena would show Scully that she didn't need Mulder at all. Mulder jumped in his seat as his rumination was interrupted. He felt a sudden jolt of pain in his arm and a deep, dizzying fear. He looked down at his scarred limb. It hadn't bothered him in a long time. And the pain was different then it had been. It was more internal. He closed his eyes and underneath his lids he saw something strange. It was Jane's apartment. It was her desk, covered with photographs of him. The image was so real, so vivid, and it struck terror in his heart. He was starting to sweat and breath heavily just thinking about it. His eyes flew open and he looked around the cafeteria frantically. What the hell was happening to him? xxxxxx It was time for what little Charlie referred to as his mommy's "magic." She implored Scully watch her finger, following it as it passed back and forth in front of her eyes. Scully continued to pant and Rena was relieved when she finally counted pass number 30. She dropped her hand and Scully shut her eyes. "Okay, Dana, let's talk about what was going through your head just now." "I was...there, in Jane's bedroom. I uh...There were pictures of Mulder, she'd been following us - him, she'd been following Mulder." She drew her lips inward and sob escaped. "But she took me and I couldn't...I couldn't help him. She broke my arm so I couldn't help him..." she trailed off and began to cry. "She...I couldn't move, it was all so fast. I never had a chance." "Deep breath, Dana. You said you shouldn't have let that happen. It was your fault that you didn't get away. Do you still believe that?" She sniffled, a bit more composed than before. "No. I didn't have a choice. She was...she broke my arm." Rena was almost frightened, Scully seemed to have been helped almost immediately. They repeated the finger tracking until it seemed that Scully had calmed quite a bit. Rena was convinced now that the session would have been far easier and even more effective had Mulder been there. Which was another issue that she was certain that they would also need to work through, this fear that it was Mulder that was in immanent danger. "You rest for while all right? I'm gonna get some supper, but if you need me, you have me paged there or something. Don't hesitate." xxxxxx Rena walked through the cafeteria with her dinner tray looking for a table. She passed a man sitting with his head in his hands and a full plate in front of him. It only took a second for her to realize that it was Mulder. She hadn't spoken to him since their argument and she was pretty nervous about the prospect of being near him again. He'd been so unreasonable, almost out of control with his anger. According to Charlie he wasn't really like that normally. He was just under a lot of pressure. But Rena didn't think that was enough of an excuse and she was almost scared to try to communicate with him. But still, here he was. "Mulder?" He looked up and she saw that his eyes were red. "Um, hi." He looked almost embarrassed, not dangerous, so she sat down. They sat in silence for a moment, both unsure of what to say and extremely uncomfortable. Rena did feel bad about some of the things she'd said to him and she felt like maybe she should start the ball rolling by apologizing but it seemed to her that he owed her that first. "So, um...how was the first session?" he asked and, she noted, there was no sarcasm or anger in his voice. He seemed a little scared actually. "Good, actually. It's only a start but I think it went really well." She knew that it would have gone better if Scully had known that she had Mulder's complete support, if he'd been there for her through the process but she didn't think it was a great idea to bring that up. Mulder nodded and cleared his throat. "So, um, so she's okay?" "She seems fine. She's resting now." "Good. That's good." They fell into another uncomfortable silence and Rena started picking at her food nervously. After a few minutes, she looked up again and saw that Mulder's eyes were tearing and he was twisting his napkin in his hands. "Mulder..." "I'm sorry," he choked out. "I dunno what's wrong with me. I really appreciate what you're trying to do and I was...I was just wrong. Just really wrong..." "Mulder, it's okay..." "No, it's not. It's not. I was horrible." "We both said some pretty stupid things." "I guess that..." He looked down sadly. "I just want her back, Rena. I want her back so badly. And I wanna help her. I want to make it better but I can't. I can't." His voice cracked and tears began flowing freely down his face. "Everything I do is wrong and I can't help her at all and I guess I just, I just hate the fact that someone else can help her and I can't. That she might need somebody else and not me..." Finally, some honesty. This Rena could understand. She reached across the table and took his hand in hers. He was shaking. "Mulder, she does need you. And you are helping her. Without you, none of this would be any help at all. She needs you more than anything. Your love and your support, they're really the ONLY things that she needs. No kind of therapy is gonna do any good without that." She realized her mistake instantly. She should have made his role in this much clearer right from the start. "Mulder, I should apologize too. I think I inadvertently made you feel left out of this and that's not the impression I wanted to give at all. You need to be a part of this or it's not gonna work." He shook his head and pulled his hand from hers. He started wiping his face angrily. "No. You were right to do that. I can't help her. All I do is hurt her every time I go near her. The best thing I could do for her is stay the hell out of this." "Mulder, for God's sake..." she took a deep, calming breath. She was trying to be patient with him but his self loathing was a stubborn, frustrating force to be reckoned with. "All you have to do is talk to her for five minutes to realize how important you are to her, how much she values your presence and your support. Every time I've been in there and you haven't her first words to me have been 'where's Mulder?' She gets hysterical if she thinks you might be in some kind of trouble. Part of her trauma is feeling like you are in danger and she can't help you. Mulder, she needs you there right now. Maybe more than she's ever needed you in her life." Rena didn't know what else to say about it to convince him. It seemed like such an obvious thing to her. The person you love more than anyone, the person who loves you more than life itself, as he so obviously loved Dana, that was the only person who could ever really help you when it came right down to it. Why was this such a mystery to Mulder? He looked at her quizzically and sniffled. "But I already do that. I mean I can't even help that. I wanna know what I can actually DO. How can I make it better?" "You don't need to do anything Mulder. Just love her. That's all. Be there. Hold her, talk to her and let her know that you will be with her no matter what, that you support her decisions and that you want her to get better." "I've been doing all of that." Rena sighed, exasperated. He wanted an actual task. Well, she had one for him but it was probably the most difficult thing she could ask of him. "Alright, then take care of yourself Mulder. Eat, sleep, relax, watch a goddamn movie or something, stop blaming yourself for everything bad that's happened to her and every setback she has now. If you're not healthy, she won't be either." "I don't understand...how does that help her?" "Mulder, Dana's not the only one who needs to heal. You're both sick and it's the same sickness. You're sharing it. Until one of you gets better, the other one will always be sick. The more you can do to help yourself, the better she will feel." He was looking at her like she was trying to tell him the Earth was flat. How could anyone be so thick-headed? "Mulder, don't you think you'll feel better when she gets out of the hospital, when she stops having these dreams and starts eating again?" "Of course, but..." "Well it works both ways." end part 6 Desideratum II: Found by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen part 7/11 Thursday 9:40 AM "Mulder? What're you doing here?" Scully scooted herself upright in the bed and set the pathology journal she'd been trying to read for the last two hours on her bedside table. Rena would be here any moment and she wasn't so sure it was a good idea that Mulder be around for their session. "I uh, I came to uh, to just be here with you." "Oh." Did he mean he was going to stay or did he not know Rena was coming? "Mulder, you know Rena is going to be here any minute, don't you?" He sucked his lips inward and nodded mutely. "Hey, Scully," he started in his ever famous non subtle way of changing the subject. "You look...it's amazing...but you look a hundred times better than you did yesterday." He broke off and just stared at her, shaking his head. His eyes wandered over to the table and he spotted her breakfast dishes, everything eaten save the melons in the fruit cup. "You ate...breakfast...Scully," he said in absolute amazement. He looked at her some more, scrutinizingly, studying her features as though he were making sure she was real. "Man, Scully...I just don't believe it. How...how do you feel?" "Um, actually," she paused and assessed the way she felt. "Actually, it is pretty amazing. I don't even remember waking up once last night." A thought occurred to her suddenly. "Mulder, you...you didn't stay in here last night, did you?" He almost looked frightened at her question. "Uh, no, I didn't. Uh...little Charlie wanted to see where we worked and so I took him to show him our office." Scully smiled. "Oh, I'll bet he liked that." "Yeah," Mulder smiled too. "He was pretty fascinated with all our stuff. He thought the fluke man was 'neato' so I printed a copy of it's picture off the computer so he could take it back home with him." Scully raised her eyebrows and crinkled her nose. "Oh my mom oughtta love that one." "So anyway, I ended up taking him back to my apartment and he fell asleep in my chair. I didn't have the heart to wake him, so I let him sleep in my bed and I spent the night there with him. I'm, um...I'm sorry I didn't come back." "No, please don't be," she reassured him. She was ecstatic to know that he'd done something normal with his time and he looked a hundred times better himself having slept in his own home. "I hope you don't feel dejected when I say that I don't think I even missed you." "That's okay. Somehow...somehow I kinda knew that." They smiled at one another and then fell silent. Scully tried to bring herself to warn Mulder that Rena would be here any second, but something inside her hoped that he would just change his mind and stay. She was already starting to feel a little nervous about the session, even though it seemed to have made a huge difference already. They both jumped when they heard the door click open. Scully looked at Mulder, who was the first to greet Rena. Her heart pounded and her soul screamed at Mulder to please stay with her. "Good...morning," Rena returned Mulder's greeting and then stood at the foot of the bed uncomfortably. After a moment, she caught a look at Scully and her eyes widened. "Dana, look at you! My God! Have you seen yourself?" Scully smiled a little at looked at Mulder. "No, but Mulder has and he had pretty much the same response." "I don't believe it myself. I mean, wow...what a difference." "You don't really think, Rena," Scully began, "Is it really just simply from what we've been doing?" Rena circled her shoulder backward once and raised her hands. "I...I can't think of anything else it could be. They haven't changed your medication or anything?" "No. I did eat last night and this morning though." Rena stood there and shook her head. "Well, it's certainly a marked improvement. However," she hesitated and looked at Mulder and then back at Scully again. "I don't think we're completely through yet. It's only been a couple days." "I know," Scully agreed. She waited for Rena to take a seat next to her, but she merely stood there, as though she were waiting for permission to do so. "Uh..." Rena started. "Thanks so much, Mulder, for taking Charlie last night. He can't stop talking about you, you know. I think his father's going through premature empty nest syndrome." Mulder chuckled and told her that it was no problem at all and then the trio became silent once again. Finally Mulder spoke. "Uh, so um...are you going to get started?" "Yeah, I was hoping to..." she trailed off. "Did you need me to sit someplace else? Or is this okay right here?" Scully's heart rejoiced. He was going to stay, he cared, he wanted to be there. She consciously resolved to make this session really count, to really make it effective. Rena sat beside her and set down her notepad. She took one last look at Mulder and then addressed Scully. "Alright, Dana, today I really wanted to address what happened the other day with the mirror." Scully felt her shoulder immediately tighten. She could do this, even with Mulder here. She let out a breath and said, "Yeah. Okay." "Now, go back to the day that it happened. The day that Jane attacked you with the knife. Remember what you were seeing, what you were feeling, even what smells you remember." Both Mulder and Rena watched as Scully shut her eyes and thought for a very long time. After a minute or so, she pinched her brows and let out a breath. Rena took her cue from this. "Okay, what are you feeling right now?" "I can't believe this is happening to me, I remember thinking. I couldn't believe that this woman could really be so...diabolical." She stopped and let out a breath. "If she was doing this to me...What...what was she doing to Mulder? She was going to kill me and I would never get to tell him. I should have told him so long ago..." "Okay, stay with that, Dana, stay with it. How are you feeling. What does that make you feel?" "Sad. So very sad. Regret. Regret that I can feel in my soul. Regret that I never told him. If I had told him, I would never be in this situation." Rena nodded as she wrote on her notepad. Scully assigned a rating to it and wiped the perspiration from her brow. Then Rena asked her to "Now tell me how you want to feel about what happened to you." "I wanna feel...I wanna know that it wasn't my last chance. It wouldn't be my last chance. That it wasn't ruined." She was looking at Rena, but almost past her in a way, as though she were watching on some sort of invisible monitor the events replaying in her mind. "Okay, watch my hand, alright?" Rena asked of her and Scully reached out for Mulder's hand, almost straining to feel for it. Finally he grabbed it and she held on tight as she watched Rena's finger. But suddenly Scully jerked in her place. She made a gasping noise and her eyes were wide. Then she made an awful face and began to make gagging movements. She ripped her hand away from Mulder's and dropped her head to the side of the bed. Mulder looked at Rena once with great fear and ran around to the other side of the bed. She wasn't producing any vomit, just dry heaving. "Scully...Scully what is it? What is it?" "There were bugs...maggots," she cried. "She fed them to me, they were everywhere...I ate them. Oh God." She sat up and her eyes were red and teary. "It was awful... she...laughed at me and taunted me and I thought... Mulder, I thought you weren't ever going to find me...I didn't want to die here like this...Not before I..." Mulder got into the bed with her so that he could hold her around the shoulders. "Okay, Dana, let's work with that image," Rena said. I know it hurts, but we need to get it out. Now look at me. Watch my finger." As Mulder held on tightly to her, she nodded and obeyed Rena's request. She imagined herself back at Jane's trapped and scared and in severe pain and bleeding. She relived it, she looked at those memories, she replayed them over and over. She would overpower Jane. Before Scully could even think anymore about it, Rena was dropping her hand. She was now aware that her body was drenched in sweat. She had no idea how much these memories were effecting her entire body, let alone her emotions. "Okay?" It was Mulder, who was breathing just as heavily. "Yeah." "Okay, then. Tell me how you'd rather feel about what happened there." "I am stronger than her and Mulder will be safe." Rena told her to concentrate on that statement as she completed another set of passes in front of Scully's eyes. Almost immediately Scully felt herself relax, her grip on Mulder's hand loosening greatly. It was easier this time to believe that positive statement with him there. For the first time in a long time she was absolutely certain that they were both really and truly safe. Saturday 10:00 a.m. Scully shifted again and again in her bed. She felt restless. She had tried ever since Mulder had left her last night to sleep, yet she couldn't. She was bored and tired of sitting in the stupid hospital bed. Mulder hadn't been back since then, either. Scully hoped that he'd chosen to find a waiting room couch to sleep on, since it looked to her like he hadn't been sleeping well for a very long time. Perhaps he was making up for that loss right now. Then it occurred to her than she no longer felt as uneasy about his absence. She thought back to last night when she woke up when she heard the door click shut as Mulder left the room, but felt no panic. She heard the door click and turned quickly around. "Mulder?" "No, I'm sorry, it's just me and Charlie, no one special," Rena apologized. "Jailbird!" Scully exclaimed as she wrapped her good arm around her brother. "Look at that smile," Charlie praised. "I haven't seen that for a long time. Howya feeling?" Scully considered that for a moment. She definitely felt markedly different than she did yesterday. She felt great, actually. Lighter. And the aches that had been present since she'd been in the hospital seemed to have miraculously lessened. Amazingly so. "I feel..." Rena and Charlie regarded her in great anticipation at what announcement she would make. Scully chuckled a little to herself. "You guys, I feel great. It's unbelievable." She paused and an idea came to her. "In fact, you know what I'd like to do?" "What's that, Dana?" Charlie asked excitedly. "I wanna try and walk," she stated. "Walk? Are you sure?" both Rena and Charlie said in unison. Scully nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure. I think I can do it. At least a little bit." Rena smiled. "I think you can, too." Charlie and Rena each stood on one side of Scully to lend her support as she got out of the bed. Charlie was extremely nervous, but that was lessened by the fact that Rena seemed unconcerned about Scully's little venture. When they reached the door, Scully turned to her brother and said, "I'm ready. You can let go. Just be there to catch, alright?" He conceded and Scully proceeded down the hall away from her room. One of the nurses stopped and applauded Scully on her improvement, citing how unbelievable it was. For as silly as it was, Scully felt pride welling in her breast. Something had worked, whatever it may have been. She felt different, she was regaining her control. She felt it everywhere in her body. A good feeling, not the horrible feeling she'd had for so long, as far back as before the day she met Jane Harris or whatever the hell her name was. xxxxxx Mulder got into the elevator for the millionth time to head back to Scully's room. He felt that familiar sickness in his gut again. For the past few hours, he'd been stewing about how he was going to apologize for his behavior - all of it - and decided that he would do it soon. As in today. But how the hell was he going to even start something like that? And what if when he got there, Charlie was there or Bill or her mother or something? Then he knew he would chicken out. And if Rena was there, he'd feel guilty about the whole thing all over again. Well, guiltier anyway. Shit shit shit and shit, he thought as the elevator doors slid open. He'd kind of hoped they would never open, that he'd get stuck and then he'd have a legitimate reason to be able to put off the inevitable. He went to Scully's room, only to find it completely empty. Shit shit. Where the hell was she? Had they moved her on him? To where? The psyche ward? Or maybe she had to have emergency surgery for some unexpected complication she had. Damn that Bill, keeping this important thing from him like Mulder meant nothing to Scully. Like she meant nothing to him. Ready to track that damn Bill down and give him a piece of his mind, he stormed out of the room and down the hall. That's when he saw her. That beautiful red hair and the tiny frame he so admired. And her face. She was smiling, with...could it be pride? Mulder I can walk, she was saying with her eyes. He heard it loud and clear. And all he could do was stand there, feeling like a part of his soul was being released from ensnarement. She smiled even bigger and he felt his heart pounding in his stomach. He continued to stand, frozen in time, as she made her way over to him. His legs were shaking so badly he thought he might fall down if he tried to move. So he waited. And when she reached him, she wrapped her left arm around his waist and pressed her cheek to his chest. Mulder put his arms around her, attempting to wrap his entire body around her so she could feel what he was feeling. This relief, this happiness he felt in every cell of his body. To his amazement, she remained in his arms, resting her body against his. Thinking she was waiting for him to say something, he spoke. "Scully..." But she was shaking her head. "No, Mulder, not now. Just, let's just be." "Whatever you want Scully. Whatever you need." xxxxxx 7:30 PM Mulder stared blankly out the window, seeing nothing. His stomach rumbled disagreeably and his legs were tapping on the floor in a non stop rhythm. He couldn't remember feeling this nervous in a very long time. He knawed on the fingernail of his thumb. It was practically worn down to the cuticle at this point. The sound of the second hand traveling around the clock on the wall seemed excessively loud. It echoed in his ears and his chest. Every second that passed was another second closer to the second that Scully would wake up. He glanced at her, certain that she was about to open her eyes, but she was still sleeping soundly. Thank God. He started to run through the words he'd rehearsed in his mind almost a hundred times already. It was a beautiful speech full of flourish and heart felt remorse. It was relatively short but sufficiently dramatic. It was practiced to perfection and as soon as she woke up he would be ready to deliver it. It had taken him weeks to formulate just the right words, the clearest and most sincere way to express his regret over the way he'd behaved towards her before Jane had taken her and it was finally time to spill his guts on the floor in front of her. He just hoped she didn't interrupt him because then he might forget the lines. And when it was over, he could only pray that she would forgive him. He felt like he was twelve years old and about to give his first oral report. Scully, I would like to express my deepest apology.... "Penny for your thoughts." His entire body jerked in the chair and he had to restrain himself from actually screaming. Once he'd caught his breath he looked at her. The orange light radiating from the sunset through the window cast a glow that caused her skin to look as stunning as liquid fire. Her hair was mussed and her eyes were cloudy with sleep. She sat up and stretched her unbroken arm over her head and the silk of her pajama top strained against her breasts. And he forgot every last word of his speech. "Uh, how long have you been awake?" he asked idiotically. "Since you came in," she answered with a smile. Great, that was just great. "Oh", was all he said. "Mulder, is there something on your mind?" She'd been awake the whole time, watching him secretly as he ruminated about something and chewed his finger off. She knew he was upset, not only because she could see his chest rising and falling at a rapid pace, but more so because she could feel it. Deep in her stomach, a feeling that was making her almost ill. "We don't have to talk about it now Scully." "We don't have to but it wouldn't hurt, would it?" Okay, she was in persistent Scully mode again. He could deal with that. He shrugged and sighed and stared out the window again. "Mulder?" "It's nothing Scully, really." "I'm gonna get better, Mulder." He grinned despite himself to hear her say that. He turned to her and the grin grew when he saw how certain and strong she seemed. "I know that Scully." She smiled back at him, relieved that her health or the method of treatment was no longer the basis of his worry. There was something else, though, and she had to find out what it was. "So, what is it then? What's wrong?" The grin disappeared and he sighed again. "Scully, it's not...just don't worry about it, okay?" Scully's heart began to race now and a million awful scenarios ran through her head. "No Mulder, it's not okay. You're starting to scare me now." She stared at him with fear in her eyes. He turned back to the window. "It's nothing. Really." "Mulder, it's obviously something or you wouldn't be sitting there with that look on your face." That look? He checked his reflection in the window. No look. Just his usual blank expression. "Scully, what look? I was just sitting here." "You have that look Mulder." No one else would ever see it, but she did. "Scully, there is no look." "Mulder, there is! I see it there right now." Goddamn her for this. She was about to send him jumping out the window to avoid her scrutiny. "Scully, what is it you think you see? You know me so well, what do YOU think is the matter with me?" He caught the mischievous look in her eyes and the way her lips curled into a smirk. "Mulder, I've been wondering that for years." Hopefully if she lightened his mood he'd feel more comfortable about talking. But instead he shut up completely, resuming his observation of nothing out her window. She sighed and said to him, "Mulder, what I see is that something is bothering you big time and, I don't mean to pry but since you're sitting next to my bed brooding about it, I'm kinda curious." God, what the hell was he supposed to tell her? Why didn't he write this crap down? How could he even start to explain... A thought occurred to Scully. More of a picture or an impression than a thought. She saw herself up against her kitchen counter, she could smell coffee grounds, she could feel Mulder's hands all over her body, she could hear them exchanging loud words. She let out a tight breath. "Mulder, is it...are you...are you thinking about that night? That night in my apartment?" His jaw went slack in shock. When the hell did she develop this goddamn psychic ability and why hadn't she told him about it? Or was it just written all over him? The guilt, the sickness, it had to be emanating from his very soul. He closed his mouth and sucked in a deep breath. His eyes closed and he nodded, unable to look her in the eye. "Oh Mulder, it's not...it doesn't matter anymore. I don't...I don't care about that." He had come over there because he was ready to make love to her and she'd pushed him away for such a silly reason. She'd never told him she was sorry for any of it. "I don't care about any of it, Jane, that stupid hearing...it's not important..." No, God no, she didn't understand. It was just like that night. She was avoiding the real issue, the real problem. He was going to have to explain it to her. "Scully, it's not just that. I mean, I'm sorry for that. I should have listened to you..." He risked a glance in her direction. She looked so...so...concerned. For him. He couldn't bear it. He stood up and turned completely away and towards the window. "I should have listened to you about Jane. You were right, as usual, and I should have known that. But it's not...it's more than that Scully." He wanted to take complete responsibility for what happened that night. Obviously there was more she needed to explain to him, more he needed to understand about the way she had reacted to him. Something she'd been afraid to admit to him up to now. "Mulder, I was upset with you because, I dunno, I had a bad feeling about Jane and I thought..." She drifted off and laughed nervously. "I thought that maybe...maybe there was um, I dunno, I thought that maybe something else going on with you two." "Scully...how...why?" She couldn't possibly have thought that he and Jane were....oh God, had she actually thought that? "I know, it's silly..." "Yeah, yeah it is. God Scully." How in God's name could she have thought that? Wasn't it obvious why he had been at her apartment in the first place? Scully's cheeks flushed in embarrassment at her admission. "I just...you seemed to be avoiding me a lot. You weren't around as much and you always seemed distracted and um, not really there with me completely even when you were around. I just, I couldn't understand why you would avoid me on purpose like that..." He put his hands on his hips and bowed his head. "Can't you see why Scully?" he whispered. She never heard him speak but rather continued on with her justification speech. "I know it was stupid to be jealous of Jane, I mean in retrospect it's obvious that you weren't involved with her in that way, but it was just so frustrating to me that you didn't seem to be listening to me anymore...that you were so far away after we seemed to be getting so...close." Could she have actually thought that he'd been avoiding her because he DIDN'T want to be close to her? Could she have seen it as some kind of rejection? He didn't understand how that could possibly be. "Scully..." "I guess that was why I was really so angry. It was just the fact that you seemed so absorbed with other things, that you didn't seem to be paying attention to the things I was telling you. But I mean, I know now that she was manipulating the situation to make it seem that way..." "Dammit Scully don't you understand this?" He turned to her angrily. This wasn't about Jane. Why couldn't she face the real issue here? Why couldn't she face who he was? "Understand wha.." His eyes were wild and for a moment she thought he was going to take and shake her. "I was avoiding you on purpose, Scully. To avoid doing exactly what I ended up doing that night!" God help her, she actually looked confused. "What you ended up doing Mulder?" She watched him run his hands through his hair twice, the look on his face as pained as when he had been hit by a car. He pinched his eyes closed and turned away from her, sighing loudly. "Scully this has nothing to do with Jane, or anything else. It's..." turned back toward her and pointed both his hands at his heart, "It's me, Scully. It's what's inside me." She was utterly confounded. "What's inside you? What does that mean?" He rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in the air. "What I was afraid I'd do to you Scully! What I did do to you! Jesus Christ!" "What you did?" He was starting to wonder if he'd have to draw her a diagram. He clenched his fists to keep from shaking her. "You...you mean the kissing?" Kissing. The kissing. That's what she wanted to call it. She looked so sincere, like that's all she really thought it was. He couldn't stand it. He just couldn't stand it. He bit his lip as he felt a sob of frustration and disbelief in his throat. "Kissing?" he choked out and turned away, "Yeah, I...I guess you could call it that. If you were being kind." This is what had him so worried. She chuckled a little bit to herself in disbelief. "Well Mulder, it's um, it's not exactly the way I thought our first kiss might be but, well, things with you rarely go as expected." Their first kiss? What the hell was wrong with her? She was talking about this as if it were an innocent peck in the rose garden. Had she revised history in her mind or was she trying to protect him from the truth? Or did she really not care? Had he manipulated and screwed with her head to the point where she would dismiss anything he did to her? "Dammit Scully, I practically raped you! Doesn't that bother you?" He clenched the windowsill in his fists, needing some support. He felt as though he might faint, having actually said the words. "Cause it bothers me Scully," he whimpered out. "It bothers me a lot." end 7 Desideratum II: Found by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen part 8/11 He'd tried to rape her that night. The thought sounded as foreign to her as Mulder trying to murder her. Thousands of sensations and memories came flooding back to her about that night, all of them reminding her of how completely thrilling it was to feel his hands on her bare skin, his warm tongue moving inside her mouth, his excited moans resonating in her ears. None of these feelings described to her rape of any kind. As she was silent Mulder was certain she was thinking back to that night, seeing it now as he thought it had really happened. He prepared himself for her anger, her hatred, her dismay. Why he brought it up in the first place? She was doing so much better. Why did he have to traumatize her yet again? "Rape?" she finally asked, her voice full of disbelief. "Mulder..." "It might as well have been Scully." "No, Mulder, that's just ridiculous. As soon as you heard me tell you to stop, you did. It wasn't even close to rape Mulder. Not even close." "I attacked you Scully!" he cried out, unable to conceive of how she could see things this way. "Well, yeah, kind of, but Mulder, you could never rape me. I knew that then, I know that now. I wasn't scared, Mulder. You could never..." "Don't be so sure about that Scully..." "Mulder, you couldn't." Her worry for him returned abruptly. He was refusing once again to believe that he was inherently a good person. A person worthy of being loved. "Look at me, Mulder." Look at her? How could he? "Scully, you don't know, you don't understand, you don't know what's inside me Scully, this sickness...I don't even know what I'm capable of anymore." "Sickness, Mulder, what the hell are you talking about?" This was verging on the point of ridiculousness now. "What sickness?" "I can't...I can't control it Scully...I can't stop it," he stammered. Why couldn't she see how fucked up he was? Did he have to tell her every sick thought, every perverted desire? "Control WHAT, Mulder?" "These feelings, this...this wanting, this constant...need. God, Scully, it's deranged, it's dangerous. I'm as bad as Jane. Worse because I'm supposed to be your friend..." "Mulder stop. Stop and listen to me..." "No Scully, you...you shouldn't even be around me at all, it's not safe. It's..." "Mulder, I need you too." She still didn't get it. She couldn't possibly understand what he meant. She couldn't need him the way he was talking about. Not Scully. Not him. Not like that. "Scully, I don't think you understand." "I do understand Mulder. I don't need anything or anyone but I need you. I need you in a way I didn't think was possible...dammit Mulder, look at me." Reluctantly he turned on his heel to face her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears, just like his own. Her eyes were begging him to believe. "Mulder, I NEED YOU." "Scully...no," "Mulder, yes." It was the truth. In whatever way she meant it, she was telling him the truth and it was a huge thing for her to say. It was a profound admission for the woman who, as she said, needed no one but herself. And he felt that in every fiber of his being. She needed him. Maybe not in the twisted way that he needed her but in some way. And maybe, just maybe, she could teach him how to need without hurting. Perhaps there was one way he would listen to her. If she finally told him, maybe it would change his perspective on her, on himself, on what it was that they meant to one another. "I..." she swallowed and looked down and he saw more tears falling from her closed lids, dripping onto the front of her pajamas. "I love you Mulder," she whispered. He took a step towards her on legs that had suddenly turned to jelly and she looked up again as he approached. She looked him straight in the eye. "I love you. Don't you know that?" He didn't know. Not really. At least he hadn't ever allowed himself to believe it. And to hear her say it now of all times, it was everything, absolutely everything. It was too much for him. He fell to his knees beside her bed, body wracked with sobs and threw his arms around her waist. How could she love him? How could she still love him? How could he have ever deserved this? She rocked him slowly as he cried into her lap, running her fingers through his hair and whispering words to him that he couldn't hear through his own whimpering. "I'm sorry Scully, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he repeated again and again. Sorry for everything. Sorry for being who he was, for letting her love him when he could only seem to hurt her, for every horrible thing that had happened to her since the day she met him, for everything. "Shh, Mulder, it's okay, it's all okay. I love you. It's okay." xxxxxx Monday 7:30 PM Rena entered Dana's room quietly. She appeared to be sleeping soundly for a change and Rena didn't want to ruin it for her. She just wanted to watch. It made her happy to think that the work she was doing was actually having some kind of effect. But as soon as she sat down on the chair beside the bed Scully's eyes fluttered open. "Mulder?" she reached out her hand and Rena took it. "No, it's just me, Dana." Scully turned to her and smiled sleepily. "Hi, Rena." She squeezed her hand once before letting it go. "How's the patient? Looked like you were sleeping pretty well there." Dana nodded and yawned. "Yeah, I guess I was. No dreams." "Great, that's great." She looked pretty well rested and she was more relaxed than Rena had seen her in a long time. "Yeah, it feels pretty great." Scully sighed deeply. "Rena, I want you to know that I really appreciate all you've been doing. I really wasn't sure it was going to work but you've been very helpful..." Rena sensed a qualifier attached to the end of that sentence. It seemed like she had something on her mind. "Hey, it's been great for me too. Very rewarding. Is there something else Dana?" Scully bit her lip and thought for a moment. "Well, like I said, you've helped so much, but I can't help but feel as though I could be doing more for myself. I was wondering if there was anything I could do on my own to sort of, um, help things along." Rena nodded in understanding. She hesitated only a moment and inhaled deeply to speak. "Well, sure there is. There are plenty of things that might help. Um, sometimes patients find keeping a journal of their dreams very helpful. Also, the body and the mind are completely interrelated, so anything you can do to make your body feel better is great. Sometimes yoga is very helpful, long baths, or you could get a massage therapist up here. Even..." Rena laughed a little, "Even the right kind of sex can be very therapeutic." Scully chuckled to herself. "Yeah, I...I suppose it can be, but um...not particularly likely in my situation." Rena looked up, entirely confused. "What do you mean? Haven't...haven't you and Mulder made love since this happened?" Scully's eyes grew wide and her mouth opened silently. She had no idea Rena thought she and Mulder were lovers. Which meant that's what Charlie thought as well. Could she possibly have built him up in Charlie's mind that way? "I...no...no." Scully shook her head and wrung her fingers together. "I'm sorry, that's not really my business. It's not like you've been in the most conducive environment for that and I guess you haven't really been up to it physically, anyway." If it were only that simple. "Um...well yeah there's that. Coupled with the fact that Mulder and I aren't lovers." This time it was Rena's jaw dropping to the floor. How could that possibly be? The way Mulder had been acting, she'd never seen a friend that possessive, that devoted, that well...husbandly. She wondered if Charlie knew that they weren't and if so, how he'd managed to forget to mention that to her. She cursed him silently for letting her make a fool of herself this way. She'd make him pay later. "You're not? Really?" "No, um...really, no." Scully looked sad suddenly and Rena was terribly embarrassed. "I'm sorry Dana, I guess I just assumed, I mean he's so...well, I just assumed. Stupid really. I mean it's not that unusual for a man and a woman to be really close without sleeping together. It's just that you guys seem *so* very close. It's, well, it's great that you can have that without the complications of a romantic relationship I suppose." But Rena didn't really believe that it was as simple as that. She shrugged and ran her hand through her hair. Her stomach was constricting and for the first time in a long time she felt like crying but for sorrow, not in fear. "Yeah, um, it's...it is great...really, really great." She was staring at the flowers on her bedtable, no longer looking at Rena. "Dana, you're no okay with it, are you?" "O...Okay with what?" "With the fact that you and Mulder aren't lovers? You seem kind of uncomfortable talking about it." "Uncom...no, no, it's fine. Of course, I mean why...it's fine." Rena had never seen her squirm like that. It wasn't fine. "Dana, I don't mean to pry..." "Listen...thanks, thanks for your suggestions, I'll take them all into consideration. You've been really, really wonderful to me, everything you've done." Scully looked down into her lap, waiting for Rena to make her exit now. "Dana, don't shut down about this." "About what? What are you talking about?" Rena was becoming more and more convinced that this was vitally important, that it was the one stumbling block left for Dana to overcome. "What I'm saying is, if there are unresolved issues there, it might help to address those, to even just talk about it some. If you don't feel comfortable talking with me about it..." "No, there's no...it's not...we don't have unresolved...." She sighed and closed her eyes. Her involuntary celibacy couldn't possibly have anything to do with her rate of recovery. This prying was so out of character for Rena and Scully was beginning to really feel seriously uncomfortable. "It's fine, it's...it's not related." Rena leaned over and took her hand again. "It's all related. Everything in your life is related to this." "Rena...I don't....it's not..." Rena saw something close to panic in Scully's eyes. She recognized the expression from their sessions. It was the look she got when something came up that she didn't want to deal with at all. Something that was holding her back in a serious way. "Dana, you don't have to talk to me about this. It's not technically part of your trauma or anything. All I'm saying is that it might help to get some things off your chest. It might free you up inside a little bit." Scully wasn't entirely sure she should share what was on her mind. If she couldn't even share it with Mulder, then what the hell was she doing talking to Rena about it? Let alone the fact that she didn't even know exactly herself how she was really feeling about it. She did wish sometimes that she had someone else to talk to about it. Lately she found herself talking out loud in her apartment to absolutely no one when this would start to eat at her. And she would never to talk to her mother about her sex life, especially when it, or the lack thereof, had everything to do with Mulder. Besides there was always present the concern that she'd run off and tell Bill everything she said. But could she really talk to her brother's wife about something like this, either? "It doesn't have to be like therapy, Dana. Just as a friend, I'd be happy to just listen." Scully raised her shoulders slightly and inhaled as though she were going to speak, but stopped herself. Rena felt terribly sad for her. She really didn't feel like she could trust anyone with even the most basic things. "And I promise, no unsolicited advice, no judgments. You just talk." Dana smiled faintly and shrugged again. "Well, like I said, there's nothing to really say, no real problems or issues or...." She sighed deeply and shook her head. "I dunno Rena, it's all, of course, very complicated." "Okay, that's a start. Complicated how?" "I dunno, Mulder and I are...we've been through a lot together. We're very close." She paused for a long time and Rena wondered if that was all she was going to say. "Right, I got that much." "One of the first nights after I met Mulder, I went to his hotel room, scared out of my mind because of these stupid mosquito bites." She shook her head and pointed behind her, over her shoulder. "And I dropped my robe and just stood there in my underwear and let him examine my back." Scully felt very shaky upon having told someone that finally. She hadn't ever told anyone that, not even Charlie, and had never intended to do so. But she told Rena now because, because somehow it all did seem related. "I know that probably sounds strange to you but, I dunno..." She shook her head in disbelief at herself, as though she had only this moment realized the meaning behind what she had done that night. "That's how much I trusted him. Just instantly. I mean, that's not really the kind of thing a female agent should be doing on her first case with her new partner. Quite a way to make a first impression, huh?" "Oh, I'm sure you made an impression Dana," Rena joked. She couldn't help it. She was trying to imagine Mulder's face at that moment and the picture that came to mind was just priceless. Scully smiled and nodded, still not looking directly at her sister-in-law. "I suppose I did in a way. But I just *knew* that I was safe with him, that he wouldn't think less of me for it." Her heart pounded faster and faster as this new awareness became more and more concrete to her. "So, anyway, that was the beginning, and since then I feel like I've grown to trust him impossibly more every day. I mean I never thought I could trust anyone as much as I trusted him that first night, but every day it just grows." Rena knew that much already. She had sensed that intense trust between them from the moment she'd first seen them together here in her room. It was the most obvious thing in the world. "So...were you attracted to him?" she asked. She realized it wasn't the most subtle way of getting her to discuss it, but it seemed like Scully needed a little prompting. Scully blushed a little and fidgeted with the blanket. A resounding 'yes!' was screaming from within her soul, yet she held back. "Um...well, yeah. I mean....who wouldn't have been, right?" she laughed nervously and Rena returned it. "I...I was, right from the beginning. But it seemed like something that I should just kind of ignore. I mean, we flirted a lot in the beginning but I felt like it wouldn't really be appropriate to pursue it anymore than that. I was just starting out in this job and I didn't want to jeopardize it. And besides, he seemed so obsessed with his work, with finding his sister, I didn't think there was room in his life for that kind of relationship. I figured I'd always be second." Rena could hardly believe that Scully would have ever thought that. It was so glaringly apparent that she was not only the first, but actually the only priority in Mulder's life. "So you didn't express that attraction to him?" "Well, no. I mean, I think he knew. It was probably obvious. But I never said anything about it." She said those words with a tinge of regret in her voice and in her gut. "We got to be very close really quickly and then suddenly he was the most important thing in my life. I don't really know how or when that happened. I didn't plan it and it scared me when I first realized that it was true, but still it was just a fact of my life. He was everything to me. Is...He still is." "I think you're that to him too, Dana." Scully smiled. "Yeah, I guess so. I dunno, that was part of the problem. I started to realize that and it scared me." "Why?" Scully prepared herself to tell Rena something she'd never even told herself. Ever intent on folding down the blanket in her bed, she attempted to put it all into actual words. "I'm not entirely sure. I suppose because it made it so real. It's like we..." she trailed off in attempt to find better words. "I started to feel like we were so much a part of one another, like we actually lived inside of each other, existed only for each other. It's a little frightening to discover that." Rena knew that feeling pretty well herself. It was terrifying to feel as though you were being swallowed whole by a relationship, by your love for another. She uncrossed her legs and leaned a bit closer toward Scully. "Dana, how were things between you right before this happened? Before Jane." "Um...hard to describe, really. Several months ago, Mulder and I went through kind of an ordeal." Rena tried not to smile at that. When were these two not going through an ordeal? "I...I almost quit the bureau completely and Mulder, he..." Scully paused, searching for the right words. "He was unhappy about my decision." "I'll bet." "He um, he said some things and he...well, he tried to kiss me." "Tried? Did you stop him?" "No, not as such. I was..." Dana chuckled and shook her head, "I was stung by a bee right before our lips could touch. And then the next thing I remember was Mulder resuscitating me in the arctic." "A bee? That's how the two of you ended up in there?" Rena couldn't help but laugh this time. How unlucky could you get? She didn't ask anymore questions, though, for she knew that whatever had brought them there could still be threatening their lives. Rena didn't think Scully had told Charlie even that much of the story. "Well, that all over and our partnership resumed as we had been functioning before, things have been a little, um... strained, I guess." "So what did he say when you guys talked about it?" "Talked?" Scully looked utterly confused. "You didn't..." "No, no we didn't. We never really do." Oh brother. Rena was beginning to understand the scope of the denial she was dealing with here. "We just kind of went on." "Dana um..." she tried to think of a kind way to put this, something to get through to Scully without actually smacking her. "There is something to be said for restraint, for letting things build and uh, keeping some suspense, but...after six years suspense can give way to a frustration bordering on insanity." Scully knew that insanity well. It was what kept her hands busy nearly every night. "You think I don't know that? Rena, there are some days when all I do is think about what it would be like..." she drifted off and blushed. "At any rate, things kind of exploded in our faces as far as that's concerned the night before Jane took me." "What happened?" "Mulder came to my apartment. Drunk. Very very drunk." "Uh-oh" "Yeah, uh-oh. I was mad as hell at him to start with because of some silly thing at work, the details of which are really unimportant now. We actually have talked about the things that happened that night but the point is he did kiss me that night. He kissed me and he touched me and he said these...things to me." She paused because she needed to. Her memory was replaying for her those moments now and she felt weak from the sensations. Why had she turned him away? Closing her eyes, she let out a breath. "God, Rena, the things he said to me." "So what..." "It was wrong. It was the wrong time. I was furious with him for having let me down at work and I thought he was just trying to distract me. We had a horrible fight and I threw him out of my apartment." The more Rena learned about their relationship, the more Mulder's guilt ridden psyche began to make sense to Rena. He had to have been torturing himself over that night all this time. "Like I said, we did talk about it, a little anyway, but the point is, he has the worst timing in the world, Rena." "Okay, but did you like what he was doing to you? I mean I know you were angry but how did..." Dare she try to ask her this? "Did it feel good Dana?" Scully felt her entire body shudder warmly at Rena's question. She nodded reluctantly. "That was part of the reason I was so angry, I think. I was supposed to be mad. He was ruining my whole plan." Control. It was all about control again. It was obvious to Rena that Scully wasn't about to let this happen unless it was on her terms, when she decided it was time. "So, he's got bad timing, Dana. You decide the time then." "What...what do you mean?" She was blushing again. The problem was becoming increasingly clear. She knew exactly why Rena was leading her in this direction. To show her that neither of them was going to let this happen at this point unless Scully made it happen. But still she was afraid. "I mean you've gotta just decide tonight is the night. You announce it; 'I am going to make love to this man and nothing is gonna stop me' and then just do it. It's obvious that he's more than ready and willing Dana." Just do it, huh? "But, how do I know...when do I..." "Whenever. It doesn't matter. In a week, tomorrow, hell why not tonight?" "T...tonight?" "Or you could just wait till you're both in a rest home." end part 8 Desideratum II: Found by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen Part 9/11 Rena was absolutely right. There was no longer a solid enough reason to stay with things the way they were. And there was no reason to fear it. It was Mulder, her partner, her dearest friend. Her lover. From this moment and forever, to make love to and be loved by him only... "Um...Dana?" "Huh, oh, right." She cleared her throat and smiled self consciously. "It's just...it's complicated." "Complicated again. Alright, fine then. If it's too complicated for you I guess you shouldn't do anything. I mean hey, you'll be missing out on one of the deepest and most meaningful relationships probably in the history of the world, not to mention the chance to kiss a washboard stomach, but those things aren't all that important." "I..." Dana drifted off and her eyes became glassy again. Washboard stomach. Yes, Mulder certainly had one of those, beautifully toned and strong, and she saw herself straddled across his legs, her hands balancing herself on that part of his body, feeling the muscles contract under her fingers as he thrusts himself up towards her... "You...you've seen his stomach?" Rena laughed and shook her head, "I'm an artist though, remember? I've got a hell of an imagination." Dana sighed, still picturing herself getting the life fucked out of her, and leaned back against the pillows. She was feeling quite warm now and much more relaxed than when they had first begun this conversation. "Rena, I know you're happily married and all but, have you seen the way his butt looks in jeans?" Rena nodded enthusiastically. A woman would have to be dead not to notice that. "He does have a great ass Dana. And his lips..." Her heart leapt into her throat at Rena's suggestion. She groaned and shut her eyes. She remembered those lips well, gnawing at her neck and feeling their way around her own. God, how she wished she could do that again. "Rena please, don't even talk about that." "Why not? He's yours, all you've gotta do is take him. Those lips could belong to you Dana. And I'll bet he'd do whatever you wanted him to with them." Scully's eyes flew open and her skin flushed a even deeper shade of crimson. She forced herself to keep from embarrassing herself by moaning out loud. "Rena, do you have any idea how many times I've seen him naked?" Rena laughed, "No Dana, I don't, but I'll bet you've counted huh?" "I mean most of the time he's been almost dead and I've been inserting a catheter or something but still..." Poor woman. Rena couldn't imagine living with this kind of frustration and temptation day after day. She must have the restraint of a nun. "I noticed you said most of the time," she noted leadingly. "Uh, well...there was one time. It wasn't exactly the greatest circumstance for me but Mulder was um...quite healthy." The corners of Scully's lips curled into a grin that was almost lascivious. "Um, details please." "Well, when I was at Jane's, those pictures of Mulder I told you she had?" Rena nodded and winced. Dana seemed to be able to talk about the whole situation without any kind of difficulty though and that made Rena very happy to see. "Anyway, one of those pictures, well it was a series of pictures, really..." Scully looked around nervously as if she were afraid someone else might be listening. "Pictures of him naked?" "Yes. But that's only part of it." She brought the back of her hand to her face to feel just how warm she had gotten. "He was, um, well, I probably shouldn't even be telling you about this..." "Dammit, woman! Don't be a tease." "He was um, kind of masturbating." Scully's voice cracked on the last word of that sentence. "Kind of." Rena was alarmed to find herself getting a little turned on just thinking this. "Okay well, not kind of. Really." "Really?" "Really." "Oh Jesus Dana," Rena breathed out. She wondered if she could get her hands on those pictures. Happily married woman, you are a happily married woman, she reminded herself. When this conversation was over she'd have to track Charlie down and make him remind her. "Rena, I don't usually, I mean I don't normally care about..." "Yes?" "Well, what I'm saying is, I'm not really a big fan of the male organ as a general rule, but, how do I say this..." "Impressive?" Dana's eyes grew wide and she nodded enthusiastically. Very impressive. "I see. Well you did, anyway." "I can't believe that I keep just thinking about it, Rena. Is that weird, do you think? I mean not just as a disembodied thing but the whole thing, the whole image." Weird? Rena couldn't stop thinking about the image herself and she hadn't even seen it. "No Dana, that's not weird. Not at all." "He was just so...so..." "Hot?" Scully blushed even more and nodded. Hot. Same word she used to describe to her sister the man she had a crush on in high school. But Mulder was hot. And he made her hot, too. All the time. "I keep wondering what he was thinking about, you know?" "Mmmm...I'm gonna hazard a guess here and say: you!" "I dunno..." "Dana, you have to be all the guy ever thinks about." Scully shook her head and frowned, "I'm not so sure about that. I mean he's got the biggest collection of porn I've ever seen in my life." "Really? That's very interesting." Scully raised an eyebrow. "How is that interesting?" "Well, for two reasons, really. First of all it shows that he's relieving himself with something other than another woman and second of all the fact that you know about it, that he doesn't try to hide it from you, shows that he wants you to know that he's one, not gay and two, not screwing around with anyone else." Scully stared out the window with a glassy look again. Six years. It was entirely possible that he had slept with no woman in all the time she'd been his partner. She had always wondered, too. Especially as of late. It seemed every time she looked at him, he had an erection of some degree, and it was becoming nearly impossible to keep pretending she didn't notice. "So Dana, do you feel bad about thinking about these pictures or something?" Scully was interrupted by the question. "No, no not bad exactly. I don't know what it is, really. I mean, I kind of feel like I violated him or something. Or maybe he'd feel guilty about the way I saw them." She laughed nervously. "I can't believe I'm telling you any of this." Violated him? Rena tried to imagine Mulder's response to this whole thing and she was relatively certain the last thing on his mind would be the violation of his privacy. The poor guy would probably just drop dead on the spot. "Well, if you feel guilty about it, tell him. Confess." Rena tried not to laugh out loud at the image of Mulder's face upon hearing Dana's confession. "Oh God Rena, I couldn't do that. First of all he'd be totally embarrassed. Second of all, I'd be totally embarrassed." "I dunno about that. You may be right but I think it would turn him on too much to even care." Scully breathed deeply as a wave of sensation passed through her chest and up the back of her neck. I can turn Mulder on, was the thought that was running through her head. This would turn him on. Dear God, she wasn't sure she could handle much more of this conversation and Mulder wasn't even in the room. "You...you really think so?" "Dana, he is a man, right? Refresh my memory here." "Well, I think I've seen enough proof to give a definitive yes to that." Mulder gets horny. For her. He gets erections. Because of her. It was all too amazing to even think about. Scully's eyelids began to get heavy and her head swayed a little. Wonder what it feels like... "Yeah, you certainly have. Dana, when you say impressive, I mean...really?" Rena interrupted her fantasizing only to further encourage it. "Oh...Rena, God, I've never seen...Really. Really really." "Really really?" Rena repeated, giggling. "Really, really, really, really...." Scully broke off into her own fit of giggles. xxxxxx The door to Scully's room was partially opened when Mulder arrived. He paused for a minute outside. There was a strange noise coming from inside. It was...giggling. He wondered for a minute if maybe Scully had been moved to another room and this one had been taken over by a teen-aged girl. Scully never giggled. Never. He pushed the door completely open and discovered, not for the first time, that he was wrong. It was Scully. She was sitting up in bed with her hands over her mouth giggling like a little girl. Rena was sitting in what he now thought of as his chair acting the same way. It was bizarre. It was surreal. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Whatever Rena had done he would be forever grateful. He'd never seen Scully so openly giddy before. She was so relaxed and exposed. It was a totally new side of her. It was almost like seeing her naked. And his body responded in much the same way as it would have in that situation. Thankful he hadn't worn his leather jacket tonight, he pulled his overcoat closed and cleared his throat. "What's so funny?" he asked. Both women jumped at the sound of his voice. Scully bit her lip and stopped laughing. "Um...n...nothing." Her eyes were wide with something close to panic and her cheeks were bright red. She looked about ready to burst. He looked over at Rena again. She was still laughing in little spurts and she just shrugged at his questioning glance. "Nothing, huh? Well whatever you guys are on can I have some?" "I don't think so." Rena answered with more giggles. Scully started shaking with the effort to keep a lid on her hysterics. Mulder started to wonder if maybe there was something on his face or something. The way they were looking at him, he felt like some kind of specimen on a microscope. He wiped his mouth with his hand and ran a hand through his hair. "Well uh, if I'm interrupting something I can come back..." "No, we were just talking. Um, girl stuff you know." Rena said, as if this were an actual explanation. "I was really just about to leave." "Oh, well I brought a movie..." He was about to ask Rena if she'd like to stay and watch it with them but he didn't get a chance because both of them seemed to lose all composure at that point. Scully was laughing so hard there were tears coming out of her eyes. He smiled and laughed stupidly even though he had no idea what the hell was so funny. He just felt like a complete moron standing there doing nothing with the two of them going on like that. "Okay," Rena managed to get out, "Now I KNOW I've gotta go." Mulder was almost glad to see her leave at this point. She leaned over and hugged Scully who was wiping her eyes with her fingers and seemed to be calming down a little. Rena kissed her on the cheek and whispered something in her ear. Scully nodded and Rena stood up. "I'll see you tomorrow, Dana." She walked past Mulder and gave him the strangest look and then let out another snort of laughter. "Bye, Mulder." "Uh, bye." Rena left and closed the door behind her. Once she was safely out of ear shot Mulder turned to Scully and asked, "What the hell was her problem?" Scully still looked on the verge of another fit but she just shrugged. God, she was beautiful. He'd never seen her like this in his life. He didn't even care if they had been laughing at him. He took the video tape out of his pocket and held it up, "Planet of the Apes, Scully." He held up his other hand and showed her the paper bag, "I even brought some microwave popcorn." She grinned and nodded. Thank God she didn't seen to have some kind of popcorn trauma he didn't know about. "That's nice Mulder, why don't you put it in-on. Put it on, Mulder." Wow, a whole sentence. She was definitely a lot calmer now. He felt a strange and stupid pang of jealousy in his stomach. What was this power that Rena had and how could he get it? Why, in six years of trying like hell to even get a smirk out of her, had he never seen her laugh like that? He knew it was silly and he was really glad to see how much better she was feeling but still, he wanted to make her giggle. He popped the tape in the VCR and turned the overhead lights off so that the only illumination was coming from Scully's bedside lamp. He sat in his chair and took his coat off. Then he realized he was still pathetically hard. Maybe it was a good thing he couldn't make Scully act that way. Then he heard her snort a little followed by a cough. Oh, fuck. Had she noticed? He crossed his legs and put the popcorn bag on his lap. The movie he'd already seen at least twenty times started and Mulder found his thoughts drifting almost immediately. Drifting to the same thing he'd been fixating on for the past forty-eight hours. Scully loves me. The more time that passed, the more he let it set in, the more amazing it became. Part of him kept waiting for her to retract the statement, it was the heat of the moment, she'd been trying to make him feel better, something, but she hadn't. It was still out there and it was still the truth. And it was still his turn to say it back. He was absolutely certain that she knew he loved her. Everyone in the world knew that he loved her. Their friends, their families, their enemies, everyone. She had to know it. But still, he needed to say it, to make it real and tangible for her. It was taking all the power Scully had within her not to start laughing at him again. She knew he was feeling self- conscious about her and Rena's little fit a moment ago and she felt a tiny bit guilty for that. Until she saw the way his pants were bulging out. She felt another warm rush pass through her and another bout of laughter threatening to overtake her. It was adorable, really, if such a thing as an erection could be described that way. He was squirming around in the chair, trying his hardest to be casual about it. Scully watched as it seemed to almost grow more as he sat there, poorly concealing it with his bag of popcorn. He has such amazingly gorgeous hands, Scully thought to herself as she watched him dig into the bag and bring a handful of popcorn to his mouth. It was that wonderfully greasy kind that Mulder loved, so the butter was all over his fingers, dripping down his palm as he lifted it to his mouth, only to leave that greasy butter behind on his full bottom lip, glistening in the light from the television. Scully bit down on her own lip to keep from moaning. Tonight, Rena had said. Just do it. She knew what she was talking about. Scully didn't know if she could wait any longer. Mulder scarfed down his fifth handful of popcorn and must have realized that he was hogging it. He turned to her and held out the bag. "Want some?" "Uh...s...sure." Her face was on fire and she was afraid Mulder had seen her jump nearly to the ceiling. Nope, not yet. Can't do this just yet. She took a handful and turned back to the movie. She stared at the screen and found her thoughts drifting right back to Mulder. And his butter-dripping hands and mouth. On her. In her. Mulder turned back and listened to Scully crunch on her popcorn. He watched the screen but thought about the fact that the doctors had removed the upper part of her cast today. Her arm was healing extremely fast. She was getting better. Hell, she was better. Almost completely. It was something close to a miracle. Looking at her arm reminded him of something he'd almost forgotten about. Something she'd asked him when she'd first been found. "How's your arm?" She'd known, somehow or other, that he'd hurt his arm. It had been in the back of his mind since she'd asked him but he'd never really had an occasion to talk to her about it. He wondered if maybe now was a good time. She seemed to be ready to handle talking about anything now. If she could live through his lame tirade of self deprecation the other night, surely she could deal with this. Besides, maybe it would lead him one way or another into saying what he really wanted to say. There had to be a way of slipping "I love you desperately" into an everyday conversation relatively inconspicuously. "Scully, how did you know about my arm?" he asked, turning towards her again. He was surprised to see her staring right back at him. She jumped when he spoke. "Your arm?" "Yeah, you asked me about my arm, if it was okay, remember?" She thought back, trying to remember. She shook her head at first, citing the fact that they'd had her on some pretty heavy medication before. Then suddenly she felt an onset of panic when the memory of what she'd seen at Jane's came crashing back on her. "I don't remember that, but I..." Dare she tell him something so seemingly ridiculous? But it had really happened, it must have. He had little cuts and nicks all over his right arm and a few bandages still remained here and there. She decided to finish her thought. "I do remember thinking that you had hurt it, when I was at Jane's." Why would she have thought that? Mulder wondered. He was starting to seriously think that she might have some kind of untapped psychic ability. "What do you mean thought? Was it like a feeling or something? Did you see it?" She glanced downwards and looked suddenly very sad. She was feeling it again, what she'd felt that night at Jane's when she "saw" him purposely injure himself. She felt his absolute anguish, his extreme despair. "So, it's true then? You really, you did that to yourself Mulder?" "Scully..." Oh God. No, this is not the angle he was looking for with this conversation. Dammit. Dammit to hell. Why had he brought this up? He was probably the only person in the world capable of bringing her down after her earlier mood. "Mulder why? Why would you do that?" "You...you were gone. I thought...look, it's not important anymore, Scully. I just wanna know how you knew." He asked that as though there was a perfectly easy and simple explanation. "I'm not sure how I knew. I think, I'm not completely sure about this but I think I dreamt it." She had no other idea of how to explain it to him. She wasn't even sure anymore just how much of what she remembered about being at Jane's was real or if it was imagined. Dreamt it. Mulder thought of all the dreams he'd had about her when she'd been missing. A dream had led him to her, helped him find her. There was definitely something to this. He felt the familiar thrill of unraveling a mystery flowing through him. "Mulder, you know, it is important. I need you to promise me that you won't ever do something like that again." She suddenly was desperate for that reassurance from him, though in her heart she knew he would probably always be unable to give that to her. It was incredibly noble and absolutely infuriating. She looked like she was about to cry and he felt his heart break into a million little pieces. Never again Scully, I'll never make you cry again. He took her hand and smiled, "Scully, as long as you're here and safe, I'll be fine." "Mulder..." "Scully what else did you dream about?" He was desperate to change the subject, she knew him well enough to detect that. She also knew there was no way he could promise to never hurt himself again, especially if something were to happen to her again. But it still terrified her. "Mulder, I'm serious..." she pursued. "So am I. I had some pretty wild dreams when you were gone, Scully. In fact I think I ended up finding you because of a dream. I saw you at Jane's in a couple dreams and I didn't recognize it until the day I found you. I had this really vivid one where I was in her garden and you were behind this glass wall." He turned completely towards her and found himself wringing his fingers together excitedly. "Did you have that dream, Scully?" She sighed and rolled her eyes, realizing that she wasn't going to get that promise. "I don't think I had that one, no." There was one dream however, that she did remember. A dream which upon recollection was fast beginning to make her forget the issue she was trying to persuade Mulder to address. And remember the thing she was going to make happen between them tonight. "And Scully, the weirdest thing was, the night before we found you, Charlie and I, we SAW you." God, it was so great to finally be able to talk to her about this. He hadn't really thought much about it until now but it was such an odd series of occurrences. "Saw me Mulder?" She had seen him, too in that dream. But that's all it had been. A simple dream. How could Charlie have been involved? "What do you mean?" "In my apartment, Scully. It was so bizarre. One minute nothing and then the next minute you were just standing there and you were talking like without words but we both heard you and you were saying all these numbers and we didn't know what they meant but Charlie wrote them down and it turns out that they were all related to where you were and at first I thought it was you but then I realized it couldn't be because you were wearing..." Uh-oh. He realized suddenly what she'd been wearing and why he'd thought it so odd at the time. This was not something he wanted to be discussing either. "Um, you were wearing something um, you were wearing you'd never really wear." "Something I'd never wear? What was it?" Why oh why did she have to find the most horrific aspect of everything he said to her and fixate on it? After all the fantastic things he was telling her, she wanted to know what she'd been wearing. "It...it doesn't matter Scully. The point is it helped us find you. And then I had this other dream..." "Mulder? What was I wearing?" She could hardly believe it was possible. But if she had seen Mulder hurt his arm, did she think she saw him in his apartment, too? At the tail end of her extremely erotic dream? If he gave her the description of what she'd seen in her own dream, she might actually have to entertain the possibility. She wasn't gonna let this drop. For some unknown reason she thought it was the most interesting part of the entire story. He rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his hands over his face. He muttered the answer into his palms. "What was that Mulder?" "Aw Jeez, Scully, it's so stupid." Goddammit. Him and his big, stupid mouth. "A uniform, Scully, you were wearing a uniform." "Uniform? Like what, like a navy uniform?" Scully was starting to really get into this little game Mulder had inadvertently begun. He'd given her an easy in for what she had planned. "Um, no, not exactly like that Scully." "A police uniform?" She covered a slight chuckle by clearing her throat. He sighed and shook his head. "Scully, you went to Catholic School right?" Why was she doing this to him? It was all so fucking embarrassing. "Yes. And..." She was certain of the answer now, but it was suddenly very important that she hear him say it. "Well, it was um...it was a uniform like that." He felt himself blushing at the memory. It had been like she'd stepped right out of his fantasy and come to life. But how was he supposed to tell her that? "My school uniform, Mulder?" "Yeah...yeah I guess." "Oh..." end part 9 Desideratum II: Found by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen part 10/11 She was quiet for what seemed like an eternity and he found himself laughing nervously just to cover the silence. "I uh...I told you it was stupid." "Not exactly stupid, Mulder," she muttered as she enjoyed the view of watching him squirm. Okay, so stupid was the wrong word, Mulder agreed silently. How about perverted? Bizarre? Twisted? He knew he shouldn't feel so guilty and embarrassed about this. It wasn't his fault that she'd shown up like that. And Charlie had seen her like that too so it couldn't have been something he'd made up. If only he hadn't been jerking off thinking of her like that two minutes before she'd appeared. "Scully, I...I'm not even sure if I remember this right. I was pretty exhausted at the time." "Oh Mulder, I think you do remember it right. I think you remember it just exactly right." He looked over at her and she let him see her smile, hoping he would read the look in her eyes she was trying to convey. He looked terrified and for a brief moment, she felt sorry for him. "Wh...what do you mean?" But not that sorry. "I dreamt that, Mulder," she began in a soft, low tone. "It was equally as strange. I dreamt that I followed you to your apartment and that I saw you and Charlie. I was wearing my school uniform and I think I was trying to tell you both where I was." Wow. Holy wow. She'd dreamt herself there. Somehow, some way, some part of her had traveled to his apartment that night, had left her body and come to him. It was absolutely amazing. For a moment he was so excited that he forgot about the stupid uniform and what he'd been doing before she'd appeared. "Scully, what exactly was that dream about, besides showing up in my apartment?" He wondered if she had willed herself to action in the dream or if it had just happened. Lucid dreaming, maybe. "Um...it was about the past." She didn't know still if she believed that she'd actually gone to Mulder's apartment. It was such a fantastic notion. And Charlie had yet to make mention of it, so she still couldn't be entirely sure what to believe. But out of body experience or no, it was certainly an opportunity to ease him into hers. Mulder continued to sit there, hunched over and forgetting to shield the ever rising swelling in his lap. He was waiting for more details. "In the beginning I was uh, sitting on my front lawn with Missy and Bill and Charlie were playing ball. We were having a barbecue and I guess I was about sixteen." His eyes grew large and he felt a painful tightening in his groin. The picture. Jesus fucking Christ. That was the picture. He felt a strange combination of curiosity, arousal and panic. This was impossible. But Scully was really enjoying herself now. She was ready to let go, and in every possible way. "And then...then you were just there suddenly. I invited you into the house and then...and then up to my bedroom." She stopped cause he was rocking back and forth in the chair, faster and faster, almost as though he where trying to keep from thrusting his hips into the air. His eyes were so very unfocused, she wasn't even sure he was looking at her. She licked her lips to test him and his breath caught in his throat. "Mulder, are you all right?" "Just keep going," he blurted out desperately. He had to know. He just had to. "Are you sure?" His was heaving and he was having a hell of a time keeping himself from rocking back and forth. She wondered if he was doing it from nerves or if it was giving him some kind of pleasurable relief. "Please!" Her eyes widened in shock at his urgent demand and he realized he needed to calm down right away. Scully on the other hand found herself needing to chew the inside of her mouth to keep from laughing out loud at him. The next words she was going to say were going to hit him pretty hard. At least she was hoping they would. "Okay, well, um we went upstairs and you uh, you watched me on my bed, masturbating." Mulder wasn't sure which was more shocking, the fact that Scully had apparently dreamt what he had been fantasizing about that night or the fact that she had just said the word masturbating to him. He just gaped at her in response. Unbelievable, all of it. "Mulder?" She had him. Not much longer now. She let out a long breath herself this time. She almost felt a pain in her center from need and anticipation. "Mulder, what is it? Do you wanna hear the rest? There was more..." He glanced up quickly at her face and saw that the corners of her mouth were upturned in a strange little smirk. Her eyes held a challenge, and something else, something deep and dark and scary as hell. He wanted to ask her what else she'd dreamed about, if she'd seen herself on the floor with him, on the sink, in her father's chair, but he was pretty much unable to speak. The images were playing themselves out in his brain again and he found himself overwhelmed with the memory. "Um...I, uh.." "Mulder, what is it? Did you have that dream too?" "Um, not...not exactly. I mean, kind of but...uh..." Nice going, dufus. Why hadn't he just said no? Or yes? Now she was looking all confused at him and expecting him to explain what the hell he meant. "What do you mean 'kind of'?" This bit of fun she was having was entirely unfair to Mulder, but it was making her incredibly hot. It was better than physical foreplay. Or at least with Mulder it was. She begged him with her eyes to continue. "Well, it was um...it was a little different and not entirely what you would call a dream. Entirely." He rolled his eyes at his own idiocy and leaned back in the chair. Then he realized that the way he was turned now, facing her, if he sat back too far his erection was practically pointing in her face. He hunched forward again and crossed his arms over his knees. An overwhelming heat came over her so quickly when she saw what he'd inadvertently revealed to her. She wasn't going to be able to carry this play out too much longer. If he didn't do anything, she wasn't sure she would be able to help herself from doing something for relief. Yet she pressed on. "Well, if it wasn't a dream-entirely, than what was it?" He tried to remember why he had started this conversation in the first place. When had he first lost control of it? "Um, it was kind of like a...a dream that you, you have when you're um, kind of not asleep." She gave him an affected puzzled look. "You mean a daydream," she offered. Well, that was one way of putting it. "K...kind of like that." God it was hot in here. He felt beads of sweat starting to break out on his forehead. Why was she just staring at him like that? She sensed his heightened discomfort and went in for the kill. "Or was it more like a fantasy Mulder?" She bit her lower lip for emphasis and her eyes grew wide as she spoke the words. God, her voice. What was she doing with her voice? It was suddenly...different. He squeezed his legs together once and a shiver ran through his body. A fantasy. It was such a loaded word. True it was exactly what it had been, but he wasn't certain it was entirely necessary for her to know that. "Um, I'm not entirely sure that fantasy is an entirely accurate descrip..." she snorted through her nose and he stopped, giving her a surprised look. She was impressed that he'd endured pushing it this far. "Yeah," he muttered with a resigned sigh. She had his number. As usual. "Yeah?" "Yeah. It was a fantasy, Scully. Okay?" At least she was still smiling and not calling the vice squad. "So, was it entirely a fantasy, Mulder?" she teased. He wondered if he was supposed to answer that or if she was just making fun of his lame stuttering. "I...I guess. I dunno, um, I'm uh...I'm sorry Scully." And he was. Sorry that he was such a sicko and that she had to know that. She coughed and laughed at the same time. Only Mulder would apologize to her for being turned on and doing the same to her. "You're sorry?" "I didn't mean for it to, to be like that, Scully. It just...happens sometimes." Oh great. Now he'd confessed that it wasn't just that one time. That this was a regular thing for him. He started gnawing at the inside of his mouth to keep from talking anymore. "Mulder, you don't have to be sorry. I...I liked your fantasy Mulder," she whispered in an even more breathy tone, hoping to get her point across finally. "Oh...oh yeah?" he squeaked. She nodded and smiled warmly. "Oh yeah." Her eyes traveled from his face, down his torso and came to settle on his crotch. She stared openly at the embarrassing bulge in his pants for what seemed like a lifetime. When she finally looked him in the eye again he was having trouble breathing. "So, Mulder, when you say sometimes..." Dammit! He'd begun to think she'd missed that. "Does that mean a lot, Mulder?" "D...D...D..." define! DE-FINE! What was left of his brain cried out in anguish. She'd reduced him to a stuttering mental defect. "Define a lot," he finally managed. "Oh, I dunno..." she waved her hand in the air, "two, three times a week." He almost laughed out loud. That was a lot? He supposed maybe for a woman it was. Anyway, it was less humiliating than the truth so he nodded. "Yeah, yeah, that's uh, that's about right." It was time for a diversionary topic. The last thing they needed to be discussing was his fantasy life. "So, um, what do you think of the movie? I know you've never watched the whole thing..." "Mulder, are you sure that's right?" The entire reason she'd never seen the movie all the way through was because she'd never been able to keep interested in it long enough. She didn't care about movies right now. "Well, that's what you told me.." "No, I mean the fantasy Mulder, are you sure it's not more than that?" God, what did she want? His dick on a plate? "I...humm..." he laughed and shrugged and hoped that was enough of an answer. His uncomfortable whimper of an answer made her even hotter. Time to bring it up a level. "Mulder, do you think about me every time you touch yourself?" . Oh God. Oh God, Scully. What was she doing? He didn't even know how to begin to formulate an answer to that question. Although 'yes' probably would have been enough, it wasn't really the whole truth. It was honestly more the other way around. "Cause Mulder, you know what, I..." she took a deep breath and looked down at the blanket, "I think about you," she said quietly. Then she looked up again, into his eyes. "I think about you every...single...time." Mulder moaned despite himself at the image she had just created for him. Scully lying in her bed, naked, her hands between her legs, calling out for him, sobbing his name as she brought herself to orgasm again and again and again and... "Mulder?" "Huuhm...uh..." "You know, I saw you." Saw him? What the hell? Oh no. He thought back to that time in the office when she'd walked in on him, busily jacking-off on government time, coming on the floor of a federal building. She'd known what he was doing. That had to be what she was talking about. "When I was at Jane's, she had all these pictures of you." Jesus Christ. THAT was what she was talking about? That fucking sicko and her twisted little photo gallery. But for some reason Scully seemed okay talking about this. In fact she seemed more than okay. "Mulder, you're beautiful when you touch yourself." She could barely believe how far she was taking this. It was as though at that moment her body had eliminated any inhibitions she possessed. It felt liberating. Like running naked in the woods might feel. She wasn't afraid to do or say anything right at this moment. "Despite the situation, looking at those pictures turned me on so...much." He ducked his head and laughed nervously. Who the hell was this woman? He had no idea how to react to that statement. "You think that's funny Mulder?" So much for liberation. She felt silly suddenly for telling him one of the things which had always turned her on the most to think of. "No. Scully...no." Mulder wanted to shoot himself in the head. Nice way to act when she's sitting here spilling her guts, saying things to him he'd never even allowed himself to dream of hearing. "Well, how does it make you feel? Does it make you happy, Mulder? Does it turn you on?" But that didn't even begin to describe it. He could hardly put to words the dizzy, drugged feeling he was experiencing. She wanted him. First she loved him and now she wanted him. She wanted him bad. And she was telling him that in every way possible. It was the move he'd been waiting for for months now. It was the kind of seduction he couldn't have created in his wildest imaginings. It was Scully, laying bare her desires and her deepest held secret wanting, right there in front of him. And all he could do was hold his head in his hands and watch his legs tremble. Would he ever stop letting her down? "I'd really like to see that in person sometime, Mulder. Do you think you'd like that?" The more she pushed the issue with him, the more she wanted it, needed to see it. Needed to see him feeling that sort of pleasure, needed it to be her pleasure and his together. Now Her body was shaking. If he made her wait any longer, she was surely going to start to cry. Mulder's heart was pounding so fast at the thought of masturbating in front of Scully, of having her ENJOY that, that he was afraid he might have a coronary episode. At least he wouldn't have to look far for a doctor. She certainly had picked a good place for this little Marilyn Monroe act she was putting on for him. He still hadn't answered any of her questions but he supposed it was all pretty obvious. He was shaking too and panting and his skin was probably beet red by now. This had to stop. She was going to kill him fast if she didn't stop talking like this. He wasn't entirely sure what she was trying to accomplish anyway. It wasn't like they could actually do anything. Not here. Was she just trying to make him crazy? He wiped some of the sweat from his brow and looked up into her eyes. Big mistake. He looked quickly away and towards the television. "Mulder?" "This...um...this is a good part, Scully...shh..." He kept staring blankly at the television and he heard her sigh. He refused to turn around again though. Why couldn't she just sit quietly and watch the movie? He listened to Charlton Heston droning on; "...Imagine me needing someone. Back on Earth I never did. Oh there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love-making but no love. You see that was the kind of world we'd made. So I left because there was no one to hold me..." Goddammit. Why had he picked this stupid movie anyway? It was starting to add to his discomfort instead of distracting from it. He heard another breathy sigh from the vicinity of the bed and peaked out of the corner of his eye. Her eyes were closed and she was leaning against the pillows on the upraised head of the bed. Sleep, what a good idea. Maybe it was time for Scully to go to sleep now. And time for him to get the hell out of here and to the nearest janitor's closet. "Um, I'm sorry Scully. Am I keeping you up? Do you wanna rest now?" "Mmmmaybe..." she mumbled, her eyes still closed. She looked amazing, rumpled and silky and...God, something that just defied words. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into that bed with her, to bury himself under the covers, under her body. He had to leave. Right away. "O...okay then, I think I'm ugh, I'll just go so you can sleep Scully." He stood up, preparing to make his exit on legs barely able to hold him up at this point. "Mmmnnoo Mulder, I don't think you should leave." She still hadn't opened her eyes and she was shifting around causing the blankets to ripple. What in God's name was she doing under there? "I think...I think you should stay and lie down with me Mulder." She had to be kidding. Was she fucking kidding? Did she think it was gonna be possible for him to lie down in bed with her and stay sane after everything she'd just said to him? "Scully, I don't...I can't...that's not the best idea..." "Why not, Mulder?" She stretched her arm over her head and the satin of her pajama top strained against her breasts. "I...uhhh..." He tried to think of a reasonable explanation. He'd been laying in bed next to her in the hospital so much, there was really nothing he could say. "Mulder come on. It helps me fall asleep to have you next to me. Please?" Well, it was all over now. There was no way he could refuse her anything when she said please. It was a rare thing for her to admit needing anything from him at all, nevermind asking for it like that. He took a deep breath and sat down on the side of the bed, trying to figure out a way to lie down without touching her in any way or exposing the bulge in his pants. He managed the first but not the second. At least her eyes were closed. He lay next to her with his arms folded over his chest, carefully avoiding contact with any part of her, and his legs crossed at the ankle, tapping his foot nervously and waiting for her to fall asleep. Scully knew that there was no way in hell that she was going to be getting any sleep any time soon. He was so close now, right next to her. She could feel his tension, his discomfort. It was coming off him in waves. She wondered if he would touch her now that he was here or if she would have to do something drastic. "It's a mad house! A mad house!" Charlton ranted. Mulder could relate. This whole situation was totally insane. Any minute and he was going to just explode. Her words kept replaying in his mind like one of those cheesy sitcom sound loops, "You watched me masturbating, I think about you every...single...time, I'd like to see that in person sometime, mom always says, don't play ball in the house..." It was maddening. He didn't even have a place in his brain to store that kind of information. "MmmMulder...this movie's so boring," Scully sighed, shifting under the covers again, moving her body closer to his. If he wasn't going to touch her, she sure as hell needed to touch him. She was practically throbbing with the need. She turned on her side to face him and moved her face close to his ear. "I...I like it Scully. It's a very good movie." His voice was getting higher and more pathetic sounding every time he managed to speak. He felt her hot breath suddenly against his ear and nearly jumped out of his skin. "Mulder why didn't you bring one of your other movies?" she whispered, marveling at her new found courage. "Other...movies?" She couldn't possibly mean what he thought she meant. Could she? "You must have a favorite Mulder." Why was she still whispering to him like that? The throbbing that had started so long ago in his cock was radiating out to cover his entire body. Forget blue balls. He was gonna have blue everything if he didn't get out of here soon. "I uhhh...2001 is good too." She laughed. A low throaty one, nothing like the childlike giggling from before. "Not that kind of movie Mulder. One of those videos, the ones that come to your house wrapped in brown paper, addressed to Marty Mulder. You must have favorite one of those movies Mulder." "I...humm..." "I'd like to see it sometime Mulder." She had to be kidding. She had to be fucking joking. His mind spun so furiously, concocting an image of Scully sitting on his couch, watching Red Hot Redheads and touching herself as he watched on, that for a moment he didn't even realize that she had gotten out of the bed. When he felt the sudden absence next to him he was even more confused. Then he saw her walking purposefully towards the door. It was still open a crack from when Rena had left and she closed it and turned back to him. He still couldn't for the life of him figure out why she was doing this to him. Was it some kind of bizarre sexual torture to pay him back for the beastly way he'd acted towards her? Was it a test, to see how far she could push him before he snapped? She had to realize what she was doing to him and there was just no way she wanted to follow through on it. Not now. Not *here*. Probably not ever. She walked back towards him with an odd little smile and he marveled again at seeing her walk on her own. It was really something. Especially in those blue silky pajamas. She was too stunning for words. He almost couldn't stand it. He closed his eyes for a brief respite and tried to slow his breathing, calm his racing pulse. As soon as his eyes closed, he was assaulted by a barrage of images, each more vivid and dirty then the last. He tried to listen to the movie. He heard Charlton Heston again and focused on that. "How about a kiss doctor?" he asked. "But you're so damned ugly!" was Doctor Zira's reply. Alright, movie was not helping. He tried to picture a blank wall. White empty space, maybe with a blue stripe on it, something to meditate on. Blue stripe, blue stripe, blue stripe. He realized he had picked the wrong color when the blue stripe mutated into Scully in her damn pajamas again, straddling his lap. The image was so vivid it startled him into opening his eyes. It wasn't in his mind. She was there. God, she was just... there. She touched his folded arms with her hands and began lifting and separating them. She placed first one and then the other of his hands on her thighs and took his face in her hands. His palms were trembling and sweaty and he was sure he had to be leaving stains as he clutched the fabric of her pajama bottoms in his fists. "Scu...wha...what're you doing?" Her lips were just inches from his and her fingers were stroking his face. She smiled again and ground herself into his crotch wantonly. He bit his lip and tried not to cry. "What's wrong Mulder? Don't you like it?" she muttered as she started placing soft kisses on the side of his neck. Her lips felt like velvet against his rough skin and he clutched her pajamas even tighter to keep from jerking up against her. "Don't you want me?" she whispered into his ear. He let out a whimper when she started sucking on his earlobe and nodded. "So what is it then Mulder? What's wrong?" Her hands slid down his face and neck and over his chest. He felt her fingers slipping under his T-shirt and grabbed them before they killed him. "Scully...we're...we're in a HOSPITAL." He whispered the last part as if it were a dirty word and she laughed. "It's a hospital Mulder, not a library. You don't have to whisper." He couldn't believe her. What the hell was she DOING? Could she possibly want them to do this here? When she was still sick? It couldn't possibly be but yet there it was. Blessedly she pulled away from his ear and looked him in the eye. He almost fainted from the hunger he saw in her expression. "Scully...God. What...what if we get caught?" She shrugged. Just shrugged like it didn't matter in the least. "Mulder, so what if we do?" "Your brother will stab me, we'll get arrested, there'll be a big scandal, we'll lose our jobs..." "Mulder, gimme a break," she laughed. "They don't arrest people for having sex." Sex. Oh God. She really wanted to have sex. Right now. end part 10 Desideratum II: Found by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen part 11/11 "S...Scully...hummm..." "What's the matter Mulder? Scared?" she asked mischievously as she moved her good hand to the top button of her pajama shirt. No Scully. Don't go there. God no. "Sc...scared? Uhh, n...n...no. Uh, of course not." "So if you're not scared Mulder, and you want me, then what's the problem?" One, two, three, four...the buttons were popping open in rapid succession and he closed his eyes, offering a silent prayer for her to stop already. But by the time he re-opened his lids, the top was completely gone and she was sitting there proudly, smiling at him. "Is it that you don't like my body?" she asked with a smirk. It was obvious she knew damned well that this was not the case. Had to be pretty apparent from the way he was staring at her full, round, perfect breasts, the way he was panting, Christ he was probably drooling. "Do you like my body Mulder? I know you've seen it before but it was blue that time." "Huuummmaaa....." Oh man, this was not good. He was already incapable of speaking and he hadn't even really touched her yet. The only thing close to an actual word he could even think at the moment was yum. Yum, yum, yum... "Mulder? Is that a yes?" "Yuhummmmm...." "Maybe you need a closer look Mulder. I don't really understand what you mean." She rose up on her knees, breaking off the delicious contact between their lower bodies and his dick twitched violently in protest. Then she moved closer to him and up a little higher and before he knew it, the tip of her rosy pink nipple was dangling in his face. Whatever trace of rational thought was left in his brain, completely abandoned him and he took that little tip deep into his mouth, surrendering. He'd never really had a chance anyway. There wasn't a man alive, and probably not too many women either, who could have resisted this. She shuddered and moaned against him and he ran his hands over her bare back, pulling her closer to him. She tasted so good, so sweet and fresh, and fruity, once he let himself taste her he couldn't get enough. He laved her nipples with his tongue, grazed them with his teeth, sucked them like a little baby. She moaned at the sensation, overwhelmed with the feeling of his hot, needy mouth on her. Finally, finally he was there. She felt like she'd been waiting forever. His arms were wrapped around her lower back and she shifted a little bit, encouraging him to move down to her ass, to slip his hands under her pajama bottoms, but they remained clamped in place. She'd never felt so desperate for anything in her life. His reluctance and fear were endearing but also frustrating. What more did she have to do to tell him that this was okay now, that she wanted him? She wished for the millionth time that she hadn't pushed him away that night. She was starting to empathize with his frenzied state more than she'd ever wanted to. Then he made a muffled growling sound and she realized that maybe he wasn't so reluctant anymore. Maybe he was so preoccupied with devouring her breasts at the moment that he couldn't think about anything else. While she was enjoying the attention he was lavishing on this particular section of her anatomy, it was time to be moving along. She pulled back and her breast slipped out of his mouth with a loud pop and she slid back down to a sitting position. Sitting right where she wanted to be. She pressed down on his erection and captured his groan in her mouth. Kissing her, he was kissing her. Kissing Scully. Scully kissing him. He knew he was a pretty good kisser usually but he found himself at a loss with Scully. All he could think of was tasting her, getting himself as far into her as he possibly could. Finesse was sacrificed for longing and he pummeled her mouth with his tongue. There were reasons he shouldn't be letting this happen, letting himself get so carried away, but he couldn't remember them, didn't want to. It felt so fucking good. She had to get off him though. She was shifting around on his lap and sucking his tongue, stroking it with her own, and he could feel her bare chest pressed tight against him through his T-shirt and he realized in that moment that he wasn't wearing underwear because he'd run out of clean ones and he cursed himself for not doing laundry because he could almost feel her heat through the silk and the material of his khaki pants and he couldn't, wouldn't be able to take even one more minute without totally embarrassing himself. He pushed gently, intending to roll them over so that she was on her back and he could have a little more control over the situation. As she fell back into the mattress her arm twisted under her and she let out a tiny ow. She regretted it instantly. He was off her in less than a second. Completely off her, off the bed, on his feet, panting and shaking his head. She would have laughed at the ridiculous picture of him standing there hunched over, hands on his knees, hard on tenting the crotch of his pants in an almost obscene way, if only it were funny. But it really wasn't. She wanted to scream. Why had she let herself express any pain? "Mulder..." "Scully this...we can't...I don't....we've gotta stop." No! She refused to let this happen. She hadn't come this far to stop now. "Mulder, it's all right. It's fine. Please come back." He shook his head again, violently. This couldn't continue. He was going to hurt her. He was going to die. This had to stop. "I can't...can't hurt you like this. I WON'T!" He realized he was shouting for no reason and shaking almost non stop and turned away from her. He had to get out of here, had to relieve this burning in his groin so that he could act like a fucking human being. "Mulder, you didn't hurt me. I hurt myself a little bit. It's better now. It's nothing. Don't leave Mulder. Don't stop." She was begging and she knew it. He had reduced her to begging. But what else could she do? He had turned completely away from her and was leaning against the windowsill across from the foot of her bed, his back bent and his whole body trembling. She could still hear him breathing heavily. He was trying so hard to do the right thing. And it was destroying his delicate grasp on sanity. He needed to take her as badly as she needed to be taken. It was time to really show him, really let him see that need. "Mulder..." she sighed and he burned at the sound. He heard some shifting around, the faint sound of silk sliding against skin and another sigh. She was taking off the bottom of her pajamas, he just knew it. Blue line, blue line, blue line, don't look, don't turn around, if you look you're dead, blue line, blue line, blue li... "Mmmmmulder...I need you. I need you here." It was curiosity, a burning need to know that really did him in. He knew she was probably naked by now. But there was more. She was sighing and he heard her moving around and he had to know, he had to see. He took a nervous look over his shoulder and his heart completely stopped. He had been right. She was completely naked, sitting up against the back of the bed, her head thrown back and her legs bent at the knee, spread, her broken arm resting at her side and her good hand...God her good hand, it was between her legs. She was fucking touching herself, fucking masturbating right the fuck in front of him, right in the middle of the fucking hospital. This had to be the most insane thing she had ever done. She could scarcely believe that she had the absolute bravado. But it wasn't really courage but desperation that had led her to this point. She was ready to do anything. It felt good to feel herself like this but not good enough. She needed his hands, his mouth. Although his eyes were almost as good. He had turned completely around to look at her, almost in slow motion, and then bent over, clutching his knees as if he'd gotten the wind knocked out of him, never taking his eyes from her body. He looked totally bowled over, almost in pain. She almost felt sorry for him. Almost. She knew from where he was standing and the way she was sitting that he could see absolutely everything she was doing, every motion of her fingers, every detail of the most private part of her body. No secrets now. She supposed if you were gonna do it, might as well go all the way. She spread her folds for him with her hand, showing him her clit and circling it delicately with her middle finger. "Mmmmulder, feels so good..." He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to draw blood, to feel something else. Thin blue something...what the hell was he supposed to be thinking about? God, it was just too much. He wondered if it was possible for an erection to actually break through a zipper on its own. It felt like it was actually pulling him, dragging him across the room and to the foot of the bed to be closer to her. He tasted something metallic in his mouth but by then he'd forgotten what he was trying to do. "Mulder...ooohgod...I need you Mulder," she moaned and his mind was flooded with the image of what she needed, what she was imagining, feeling, wanting. He fell to his knees at the foot of the bed with a groan. He heard his knees crack on the floor but didn't feel it. He could give her this. It would be okay. It didn't have to hurt her. Just this one thing. Scully felt his hands around her ankles. He tugged on her and she slid down to the end of the bed. Her legs were dangling over the side and her crotch was inches from his face. When she was there he pulled her hand away from her body. "Stop it Scully. Stop it. You've gotta stop it," he gasped, pinning her hand down on the mattress. She smiled. Finally. And then she gasped herself and her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she felt his mouth covering her. Just this one thing, he told himself again as he ran his tongue over her clit again and again. Just this one thing and she'll be happy and I'll be happy and then I can go. Go home, go to the bathroom, go anywhere, it didn't fucking matter. But not here, not here, not here. She'd probably fall asleep afterwards. If he made it really good she would just fall asleep the way he always did after an amazing orgasm. "Ah Mulder...God...oh baby...yeah..." Was that her? Was she talking to him? It was working. It was actually working. She liked it. It was too much. Why did she have to make so much noise? Call him BABY? Jesus Christ. He balled one hand into a tight fist and used the other one to thrust inside of her to keep himself from touching his dick. Blue lines and white walls. Planet of the Apes. Listen to Planet of the Apes instead of her. "Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn..." It was Cornelius. He liked Cornelius. Think about Cornelius. Cornelius knew a lot about beast men. Maybe he could help. Don't be a beast man, pay attention, don't think about what you are doing, what she is saying, what you are feeling, the way she tastes, the way she smells, the way her juice is sliding down your chin and sticking on your stubble, don't fucking come in your pants. "God Mulder...so good, feels so good..." Oh Scully, shut up, shut up, I love you but shut up! Please! He wondered how long this was going to take, how many minutes he would be listening to her say these things to him. Suddenly and unexpectedly Scully's entire body became completely stiff. This was it, oh God this was really it. Already? She grabbed the back of his head and pulled him against her and then before he had a chance to think about lines or apes or beast men she was shaking and jerking against him and wrapping her legs tight around his neck and talking to him, God she just kept talking to him as she came in his face, telling him how it felt, how hard she was coming, all in the softest, sexiest voice he could have imagined, and whimpering, trying not to scream bloody murder and bring the nurses running. After what had to be the longest orgasm he had ever seen she sighed and her entire body went slack. He pulled back from her and planted a gentle kiss on her stomach. It was time to go. The question was, could he stand up? Scully's mind was very fuzzy. She felt like she was in a drug induced haze. Where was she and what the hell had just happened to her? Mulder, it was Mulder. Thank you Jesus, it was Mulder. She lay with her eyes closed for a moment, basking in the sensation of finally having had that gorgeous mouth between her legs. Could she have asked for anything more of this life? Yes. Him. Holding her. Next to her. On top of her. Inside her. She scooted up to the head of the bed with her eyes still closed and waited for him to join her. Another long moment passed and he was still not there. She opened her eyes to find him standing with his hand on the doorknob, looking back at her nervously. He looked startled to see her open her eyes. "I uh...I thought you were sleep...asleep, sleeping..." "Mulder, what are you doing?" He shrugged and let go of the door, ran his hand through his hair. He looked like he was in serious pain now, his eyes were narrow and squinting and he was chewing at his lip. His body was still hunched over. "I was...um, thinking...I was gonna um...go." "Go? You were gonna go? Mulder...why?" "I need...I've uh...I've got some things..." Shit. Why wasn't she asleep? He'd thought for certain she'd be out like a light after that orgasm. "I thought you'd be um...tired Scully." "Tired? No Mulder. I'm not tired. Not at all. In fact I feel very invigorated, refreshed." Great. Invigorated. That was just great. "Mulder, you aren't really gonna leave this room like that are you?" "Like...like what?" She snorted in disbelief. Surely he had to realize what he looked like. Those pants really had been a poor choice. And what the hell was he thinking anyway? Could he possibly still be afraid that she didn't want this? Or was it that he was afraid of hurting her because of her stupid arm? The fact that they were in a hospital? It was all so ridiculous. "Mulder come here. Come here and at least kiss me good-bye if you're gonna leave." Oh Scully. How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to kiss you again and ever be able to leave? But she was looking at him in that way again and she didn't even need to say please and God, she was fucking naked. Just one kiss. Just one little kiss and then he would go home. He could last through one little kiss. But it wasn't little. It wasn't even a kiss. Not like he'd ever had anyway. It was licking and biting and thrashing and sloppy and frantic and it was her. It was Scully. Scully running her tongue over his lips, his teeth, his chin, tasting herself all over his face and pulling his head to her and once again, she had him. He lost himself and forgot where he was and why he had been leaving in the first place and the fact that she was still sick because he was kissing her again and nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed. She smiled triumphantly against his lips as he crawled back into bed with her. Their tongues met in the open air and she climbed on top of him again, moaning at the feel of her naked body against his clothed one. For some reason it was very exciting. There was something dangerous, almost obscene about it. He seemed to think so too because he was making pathetic whimpering noises in the back of his throat and running his hands over her body with a desperation she had never felt from anyone before. It was time. The poor guy had waited long enough. And so had she. She reached between them and pulled open the button of his pants and unzipped the fly. She was surprised and pleased to find nothing but Mulder underneath. No underwear. She wondered absently how many times he had stood near her, hugged her, with nothing between them but his pants. Mulder barely noticed what she was doing until he felt her hot little hand on his cock. He wanted to stop kissing her, to tell her to stop touching him there or he was going to make a big mess, but it felt so good. It just felt so good. And then...oh God...it was Scully. She rose up on her knees and positioned herself over him. She slid down in one single motion, taking him all the way inside her. His eyes popped open and his hands tightened on her waist and his entire body shook violently underneath her and then he screamed into her mouth. Screamed like a fucking banshee and she realized that he was coming. It was Scully. Oh God it was Scully and she felt so good, better than he'd ever thought anything could feel. It was Scully. God it was Scully. And he was coming. God he was coming. Oh God. No. Oh God no. She felt him empty himself inside her and reveled in the sensation. She stopped kissing him when he was done and looked at his face. His eyes were closed and he was panting heavily. It was funny. It was all too fucking funny. All this fuss he'd been making about being in a hospital and getting caught and here he was shouting at the top of his lungs, almost like he'd had the life scared out of him. And all this time, all this waiting, and that was it. He'd just come in less than five seconds. It was adorable. And funny. God it was so funny. She started giggling on top of him and once she started, she couldn't stop. She rolled off him and collapsed into a horrible laughing fit. Mulder nodded. It was funny. She was right to laugh. It was probably the funniest thing she'd ever seen. He'd finally made her giggle. Too bad he couldn't watch her because he couldn't even bear to open his eyes. He had to squeeze them tightly together to keep the tears back. What the fuck? What the fucking fuck. Could there be a more pathetic individual? Was it even conceivable? No. He was the biggest, most pathetic loser on the face of the planet. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Go down on her again? Would she even want that after this? Would she even want him in the same room? God, why did he have to be such a fucking failure at every fucking thing? Six fucking years. Six years of building up, anticipating, waiting for what was supposed to be the best fucking sex of their lives and he had blown his load in two fucking seconds like a fucking sixteen year old virgin. Christ, he hadn't even been this pathetic his first time. And she was still fucking laughing. And he still had his stupid fucking clothes on. He finally managed to open his eyes and look down at himself. The tears were released and flowed down his cheek when he saw how truly ridiculous he looked with his dirty pants and his now limp dick hanging out. God was she ever right to laugh. He was a fucking joke. He reached down and zipped up his pants, unable to bear the site of his unbearably lame and disappointing penis, and turned around, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and turning his back to Scully. He buried his head in his hands and willed himself to stop crying. It was probably the only thing that could make this situation more humiliating. Through the haze of her hysterics Scully realized that Mulder had moved away from her. She sucked down her giggles and snorts when she saw him hunched over the side of the bed. She reached out and stroked his hair and he actually jerked away from her touch. Oh God, she had really screwed this up. Big time. "Mulder? Mulder, I...I'm sorry...." "Don't be. It's funny. I'd laugh. Who the hell wouldn't." His voice cracked and she almost cried herself. Of course he would take this as some kind of failure. Of course he would take her laughter as mockery. It was Mulder. She should have realized. "Mulder I was laughing because it was...well, it was cute." Cute. She thought it was cute. Just the way he'd always dreamed of her describing his lovemaking. It was definitely time for him to go home now. "Mulder, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." "Shouldn't have what Scully? Fucked a pathetic loser?" She rolled her eyes in disbelief and tried to beat down the overwhelming urge to slap him senseless. "I shouldn't have made you wait so long Mulder, I shouldn't have been teasing you like that. You were ready when you came in here. I mean, it was inevitable..." "Scully stop it. Just stop it." The last thing he wanted was her pity and her condescension. And if she even tried to say that this experience was even remotely pleasurable for her he was sure he was going to retch. "Mulder, it's okay. I don't..." "I'm gonna go Scully. I've gotta go." God not this again. How many times was she going to have to fight him on this? "You're gonna go? Just like that? Just get what you needed and then leave Mulder?" "God Scully, it's not...it's not like that. I just..." he turned towards her, to try to make her understand. As soon as he saw her pouty little face and her naked body sitting there he had to turn around again. What a pathetic cocksucker he was. He was sure now that he would never get another chance to touch that body. "I can't even look you in the face right now Scully, I've gotta go." He started to rise from the bed and she reached out and grabbed his hand. "Dammit Mulder, I said it was okay. I love you. Remember? I love you and I'm sure that next time you'll um...perform in a way that is more satisfactory to you." "Next time?" He couldn't believe that she could want to give him another chance. "There's a next time?" "Oh Mulder," she laughed. How could anyone be so thick? "I certainly hope there is." She touched his face and he managed to look at her and smile weakly. "I love you Mulder. I don't know what else I can say." "You could say that that wasn't the worst lay of your entire life," he offered hopefully. "Um...Mulder, that was the worst lay of my entire life." He nodded in understanding. Of course it was. "But Mulder, it was the most amazing experience making love that I've ever had. The feelings, seeing how much you want me, it was wonderful," she murmured, pulling him back to lay at her side. It was the truth. She'd never felt such a heady sense of power in her life, knowing that she could do that to him, it was awe-inspiring. He pushed the button on the side of the bed, setting the mattress to a reclining position and tucked the blanket over her. Then he curled up on his side and wrapped his arms around her, burying his head in her chest. Maybe it would be okay. It felt okay. God, it felt better than okay. "It was an amazing two seconds wasn't it Scully?" She nodded as her eyes slipped shut. "Best of my life Mulder. Mmm sleepy. I think the medication is starting to take effect." "You sure it's the medication and not the overwhelming sexual satisfaction Scully?" "Well, I didn't want to tell you...I think you might be too much man for me Mulder." He laughed against her breast and squeezed her tighter. He wondered how she managed to make everything okay like that. He wondered if he could possibly love her any more. "Don't you wanna watch the rest of the movie Scully?" She didn't respond, hoping he would think she'd fallen asleep and shut his yap for a little while. "Scully?" He looked up and saw that her eyes were closed and she had a small peaceful smile on her lips. He looked back at the screen to see his old buddy Charlton pointing a weapon at Cornelius. "Don't try to follow me. I'm pretty handy with this," he warned. "Of that I'm sure. All my life I've awaited your coming and dreaded it." Mulder flicked the off switch on the remote and wondered why he'd never noticed how sexual that movie was. He turned off the bedside lamp as well and snuggled back down next to Scully in the darkness. For some strange reason he started to cry again. Not tears of sadness or shame but rather some new, strange thing he wasn't sure he'd ever felt before. Was it happiness? Was that this strange fluttering in his stomach? "I love you Scully," he croaked out quietly into her neck. "I'm so glad," she whispered back. "Hey, you're supposed to be asleep. You fooled me." "Mulder?" "Huh?" "I'm sleeping. Shhh." He smiled and pressed a kiss against her warm, soft skin. "Love you so much," he whispered again and this time she really was asleep. He stayed awake for a few more hours, watching her sleep and holding her and making several silent vows to himself and to her to do much, much better next time. end part 11